Groceries

I've declared the month Frugal February, or possibly Parsimoniuary: The month of frugality. To start it off right, I spent $188 on groceries just now which had better last until March, or so help me I'll just quit the whole eating thing. Groceries are for chumps, fool.

This month I want to really buckle down and save some money. I think I've gotten a little carried away with the extra cash I have on hand these days since I moved and paid off my car, and as a result have grossly over-indulged in eating out and going to the theater. I love going to the theater in Wichita, but it costs at least 12 bucks a visit, since I usually pay for Rachel, and that's the matinee cost, which is hard for me to get to since I sleep all day, so we end up paying 9 each.

And then we have to buy dinner afterwards or before or whatever, and that's anywhere from 6 to 30 dollars, depending on how fancy we want it.

And dare I go into my book buying sprees? I have somewhere around twenty new books laying around and not getting read, because I buy lots of--

Video games. My PS3 died again, and Sony wouldn't fix it for free (they wanted 180 dollars), so I fixed it on my own for $35. In the meantime, I totalled up how much I've invested just in video games. Over 2k. Just in PS3 games and accessories. I don't even want to think about how much I payed for the gamecube and PS2 and PC games sitting here on my shelf.

But I don't regret any of it. The games make a good hobby, and it's good socialization with a couple people I know in real life yet can't see regularly. I just need to cool it and pay off my credit card, then get a security fund and start really saving for the future and an abundance of artillery for the 2012 apocalypse. Cause when the Illuminati come knocking at my door, I want to be the guy with the bigger gun so I can blow his brains out, asking questions later, of course.

*sigh* I've had a hankering for a little debate mischief with a dude who posted the most ridiculously idiotic anti-gun-control diatribe on his facebook wall. However, after I psychoanalyzed his desire for destruction due to his parent's divorce and his ensuing struggle with uncontrollable circumstances and the following love for ensuring his dominance over all things smaller than him, then it just became too sad to try and bring up. Poor guy.

I quit my Lexapro about 3 weeks ago. Maybe 4 now. Same thing happened to me this time as last; I've been freaking out. Best way to explain it is, when I take the drug, whatever the reason (this last time to try and regulate my sleeping habits), my mind becomes conditioned to handling stimuli in a certain way. Impulses get redirected and though you can't really see it on the outside, my persona changes just a little on the inside.

So when the drug is gone, the stimuli hits me and I instinctively react in a certain way, have an emotional response, and then get the opportunity to interpret the stimuli more objectively. The trouble is, that objectivity is sometimes influenced by the hormones that were released because of the emotional response.

For example, I wrote a short piece on my other blog, a writing exercise where two characters resolve a conflict. I asked Rachel how it was and she said it "was a little first-drafty."

Now, I wouldn't call it my finest work, but I was happy with it. It wasn't a first draft, but it was a single-sitting piece. I went over it about three times in an hour and called it good.

The stimuli, her comment "first-drafty" hit me like a truck and really upset me. So I had this stress reaction, the hormones flowed and I got pissy. For a minute or two, I couldn't think of a positive thing to say about her and I thought about trashing her work as revenge. But then, that instinctual reaction waned and I could calm down and take a step outside of myself and say, "Look, she didn't mean anything harsh. She just said it could use some work. You like improving your writing, don't you? Yeah. Then calm down and talk to her about it."

Before I went on the drug, this wouldn't have been an issue. During my time on the drug, this wouldn't have been an issue. Three weeks after quitting it? Yeah, it's an issue. Everything is an issue. I've been a major rollercoaster of emotion lately, experiencing the whole range: Ecstacy, joy, contentment, boredom, anger, depression, sometimes all of them in a short period of time. It's been rough, but I think I'm moving up. Shopping tonight seemed to make me feel like I'm not doing so poorly after all.

At the lowest low

I went to the clinic today to get tested for mono. I'm not particularly worried about having it, but since I took half of a night off work the other day from feeling sick, I figured it would be a good idea to know for sure.

So, there I was, typically anxious as I typically am around your typical needle, just waiting around. The nurse does what every nurse does (tells me I have terrible veins that are being selfish with their precious precious blood.) and then squirms around with the needle until she can get some goodies. Well, I made it through the plasma part, and then she snapped off tubes and grabbed the one for blood (I guess? Never done a blood draw. The first tube had plasma-esque substance in it...).

As she brought the tube to the needle, I felt my vision getting hazy, and I remember saying, "I'm starting to pass out." She told me I needed to relax, and to take a deep breath.

Normally, when I need to relax, be it for meditation or to sleep or just to calm down, I will recite the Norse Alphabet. It's something I've picked up in the last couple years and it usually works pretty well. The first few letters are Fehu, Uruz, Thurisaz, and Ansuz, which are parallel to the Phonetic F, U, TH, and A.

Anyway, I remember taking a deepish breath, then saying in my head, "FEH--"

Next thing I know, I have a mind-numbing headache. That's the first thing I remember. Then I felt that slight tingle at the end of my penis that is familiar to all men who ever urinate. I tightened up my urethral and anal sphincters, then I took a deep breath and said, "I passed out."

Somehow, I managed to avoid vomiting. (I don't think the Dinner Pizza would have tasted as good on the flipside.) Almost immediately, I began cracking jokes, lightening the mood, my mood, trying to feel better. I was tingling uncomfortably all over, my head was swimming, I wanted to barf, I had to keep peeing...

The nurse didn't get much blood. She told me I snored in my sleep for a few seconds, and that the amount of blood she got during that time was probably enough, but we will see after she sends in the samples to the laboratory.

When it comes down to it, I'm really fucking scared right now. The humiliation, the sick feeling, the horror of not being able to handle something as pathetic as a little needle. Dammit I feel like a piece of shit. I punch walls for fun! That hurts more than the stupid needle, so why the anxiety?

Moreover, how can I ever amount to the kind of man I look up to if I can't handle the things they take in stride? On a deep personal level, I feel like I've hit a wall that I don't know how to climb. I feel like I have a part of me I can't control that will never be as focused and determined as I want it to be, and that it's dragging me down.

I'm afraid to go to sleep, which I wanted to do an hour ago...

Everything is lame

Having a rough couple of days. No need going into the details or the why's of what's up, but it's enough to say that I'm just having a bit of an episode. I'm pretty depressed, I don't want to do anything but sleep, and it's taking quite a bit of willpower to stay up. I have a ton of stuff to do, and no interest in any of it.

I think I'll take a bath and hope I come up with something else to do to avoid sleeping, because, if I sleep, I'll wake up in 4 or 5 or possibly 8 hours from now, then I'll stay up til noon doing nothing, and I'll have to sleep again as long as I can in order to function at work later. If I just stay up until noon, then I won't mess up my sleep schedule and I can have a semi-normal night at work (IE: falling asleep for one hour, as opposed to five).

I knew this drop in mood was coming, I saw it coming and patiently waited for it, and now that it's here I can't go much further down, so I guess it's back to feeling good soon.

Typical January Day

Too cold to feel anything.

Curtis is all excited to film something now that we have the video camera set up with the computer. He's been trying to get me to think of ideas since then, and I just can't find it in me to do anything. I went to Wichita, just grumpy all day, snarling at Escalades and all manner of full sized truck, wishing my horn worked so I could honk at every idiot that pulls out right in front of me.

I could go on and on about the things that upset me right now, but doing that will only reinforce my mood. Or maybe it won't. Maybe it's just the lack of daylight this time of year and I am completely at the mercy of the glowy yellow circle in the sky.

Curtis and I turned the heater off in the house because our gas bill was 179 dollars last month (up from 30, in october). We got two electric radiators that will probably raise our electric bill to that height anyway.

On a lighter note, we watched Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark tonight. What a good old film. It's so light-hearted and corny and yet leaves you wanting more.

I guess I have a lot to cover

Two holidays gone by and nothing to write about? No, that's not it. Just no desire to sit down and make my fingers wiggle. Been in a mild funk the past couple days. I tend to come out of it while I'm at work, but when I get home it's time for bed, so I have no period to just sit down and let my good mood affect my day.

So, to recap I guess: Christmas wasn't quite my usual fare. No tree, no caroling, no church. Just me, Curtis, Laurie, and her son Josh. And tacos. We ate tacos and nachos on Christmas day and watched Step Brothers and I almost choked on some green tea when I laughed at the movie. And then later that day we saw Seven Pounds which took me in the totally opposite direction emotionally.

Then a whole lot of nothing happened for the next few days until New Years. Watched the ball drop with Laurie and Josh, then stayed up late playing Metal Gear Online with Josh. It was pretty fun, and I haven't played video games for such an extended period of time in probably over a year now.

Then the next day I stayed up all night played Call of Duty with Curtis (We beat it.) so I felt like I wasted another day on video games. This made me feel a little blah as well. My weekend, completely gone to gaming. I guess I wouldn't have such an aversion to it if my old roomate wasn't currently wasting his life on World of Warcraft. Shoot, some of the people Curtis works with don't do anything but play WoW. They even have kids and still devote 6 to 8 hours a day on WoW.

I texted my ex girlfriend today, to tell her Happy New Year. Then I realized why I don't like to talk to her anymore. She only has one adjective to describe everything that she experiences. Shitty. That's all everything is. It's just Shitty and there is no other way to describe anything.

Lame. I'm gonna go hit on a Walmart cashier now.

I have a problem

I'm not sure if this is a seasonal thing or something I've just grown into, but every so often, I drive my friends away. I did it last year with my girlfriend, right about this time of year, nitpicking, only seeing her faults, loathing the time we spent together. She said I changed, and I thought she was just being an idiot.

Well, it's started happening again, this time I definitely know something is up. I've started picking fights with my friend Laurie and pointing out faults and making issues out of things that are rather unimportant. My patience is not what it normally is and I find myself frustrated more often than usual.

I'm fairly certain this is a seasonal thing, combined with the fact that I don't see the sun anymore (working all night, sleeping all day) that's just getting to me. A few days ago I felt my first depressive episode since April. That's... that's a record for me. I've never been so great for so long. I mean, living in Wyoming was a drag because you only got 3 months of good outdoor time and sunlight. So that was about 3 months of feeling great. Now, it's like 10 months of feeling great and 2 feeling a little down. Which is loads better, but it still puts a strain on my relationships and coworkers.

For instance, tonight at work, a new girl was calling the wrong person on the radio, delivering standard messages about inmate movement. The thing was, she had been told before what the codenames are, and she said she could handle it, then she repeatedly calls out the wrong codename over the radio. This back and forth had absolutely nothing to do with me or my post tonight, yet I found myself getting frustrated at her all night.

Now, in my mind, my frustration is totally justified. This was her fourth night at that post, her fourth night making the same mistakes. She's only been working here for a week and a half. However, by my fourth night, I had the radio down, or at least, I asked and double checked my codenames before I used it. So, part of me says, "give her time" and part of me says, "why isn't she good enough?"

And I seriously do this for nearly everyone I meet. I pass judgments on people and size up my expectations of them, and it is totally unfair. I have no justification for this besides my own subjective reasoning, which is obviously askew since I only tend to be bitchy like this during the winter months.

So, Laurie, I'm very sorry. I know I have a problem. I have never worked on it before, so it'll be a rough time, but I'm going to try and keep my head on my shoulders this winter.

And to anyone else that incurs my wrath, just pretend it's all some really bad joke. Laugh it off and give me space.

Thoughts

I was driving home from the house of my friend Laurie tonight. It's about 35 miles I guess from my driveway to hers. Glancing out my driver's side window, I caught a glimpse of the Orion's Belt constellation. Every time I see it I seem to think it should be smaller. I swear when I was a kid, the constellation was about half the size as it is now. Perhaps it's just my imagination, but I'm always surprised at how vast it appears and how brightly the stars shine.

So, while I'm looking out, thinking of the vastness of the universe, a truck comes in my direction in the opposite lane, so I dim my high-beams and wonder, "What's that guy's story?"

What is any guy's story, really?

I woke up this morning about 7:45 AM. I had crashed at Laurie's house since I was still a bit sick from the flu and she had heating blankets and ibuprofin. I woke up this morning almost 100% better, and for some reason, quite emotional. I went to the doctor, got my new graphics card for the computer (Can't use it cause my power supply will burn out within seconds if I plug it in) and went back to Laurie's to drop her off.

On the way, I was explaining the basic plot of the musical, "Wicked" based off the novel by Gregory Maguire. While listening to the music, I don't know what exactly was happening, maybe hormones or some other brain chemicals were going wild, but I was on the brink of tears while listening to the first few tracks of the Broadway recording. Now, I always get the chills on the first track, "No One Mourns the Wicked". But this was ridiculous. (I do feel I relate to it in a way, for a long time being a non-Mormon in a heavily dominant Mormon town, I felt "wicked")

I also watched Obama's 30 minute... thing tonight. I dunno what to call it. It was a campaign ad, but it was mostly about American people that he intends to help as President. Whatever it was, it nearly put me in tears. This time, tears of joy, which I've only had like, twice in my life (both forced, to an extent, by the way) were right on the brink of falling out of my eyeballs.

I swear this all ties together in some way.

Another thing I've been doing recently in my spare time is studying the I-Ching. I had never heard of it actually until I read a book compiled from notes written by the late Bruce Lee called, Artist of Life. Apparently Lee had studied and contemplated it in his life, and since I'm a raging fanboy and want to do everything Bruce did, I got myself a copy. I got myself the supposed difinitive ultra awesome new translation by a guy who was imprisoned and tortured in China years ago and now teaches Tai Chi in California. (He has a pretty impressive life history actually, and writes a very... full book. There is so much information on each page that it would take years to understand even half of it, but it's not so dense that you can't get a little tidbit of great philosophy every time you sit and read it.)

In this book, the process of the universe, and in a way, a look at the Tao is explained. The cycle of the world is based upon 64 guas that each describe a moment or process in life that moves on to the next. The first two gua as "Taoist Master Alfred Huang" lists them are "Heaven" and "Earth", more commonly known as Yang and Yin. Positive and negative. To have a working knowledge of positive and negative, heaven and earth, you can effectively deflect anything undesireable in your life, neutralizing conflict and bringing peace to others, as well as your own mind.

Stay with me here, we have a few topics to remember. 1.) The universe is big, 2.) I'm interested in people, 3.) I'm hyper-emotional (Hyper-positive), 4.) My thoughts, of late, have been of peace and harmony.

Lastly, my younger brother and I were discussing a few nights ago about doing something big in life. This is a hard thing to define, because some people make amazing accomplishments within their mind, that no one can see, and no one will ever celebrate them because it is not visible. On the other hand, people that build big things and produce amazing tangible works in their lifetimes are remembered forever, even if it took little effort in the grand scheme of things.

So, in the realm of possibility, what could I possibly do to positively make a big impact on the world, while remaining within the balance of Yin and Yang? How can I help humans? Is it even my place to help others? What am I robbing people of by nosing my way into their lives?

My grandpa often offers to buy me things, take me out to dinner, make my life comfortable in a material sense whenever I am visiting him. He does this for his family because, in his mind, he will reap benefits and blessings here and in heaven for doing such good deeds. There is a minor flaw in that mindset, I believe, but it's a respectable outlook on life. If we refuse his offer, he usually gives us a spiel about how it "robs him of his blessings" because we are preventing him from doing a good deed.

Now, normally I don't buy into that "robbing of blessings" outlook. But I often use that tactic when I'm trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped.



You know what, I'm incredibly tired right now and have completely lost the focus of this entry in the past two paragraphs.

Let me just get it out there while I can: I want to overthrow a Columbian drug cartel and start making millions shipping blow all over the world, buying an island nation, and beginning my ascent into world domination. That's it.

At the doctor today: She said she wanted me to get lab work done to make sure I didn't have diabetes or some kind of chronic health problem that was causing me to sleep so much (I have hypersombulism, which may be due to narcolepsy or sleep apnea and a lack of oxygen) and I'm also going to get a sleep study done sometime in the next week or two. I may also see a specialist and get some drugs if a proper diagnosis can't be found soon.

I still need to talk to a doctor about my hearing. I have a slight suspicion that my social problems are, in some way, due to hearing loss and the inability to follow conversation very well. Maybe it's just a vain hope that I'm unpopular due to some 3rd party, rather than having to blame myself, or maybe it's something that could actually, if understood and taken care of, help me develop more friendships.

Yawn

I take my Correctional Officer Examination in two days. I'm a little nervous because I failed the sample Texas test yesterday. Hopefully I learned from my mistakes and I'll pass the real one without breaking a sweat.

I don't have anything to say. I hit a pretty bad depression cycle the past few days, stopped exercising, stopped writing, played Metal Gear Online for about 10 hours... and ate a lot of Oreos with peanut butter. Work didn't help cause I had to sit and listen to this girl whine about her roomate and how she's so in love with this boy who just won't grow up blah blah blah, get a fricken life. I told off a girl today for being a selfish... err... what's the non-vulgar way to say twat? anyway, she's depressed, I'm trying to be nice, and she just shrugs and repeats all that bullcrap talk about how she's so in love with this guy who doesn't want to be with her. Jeez, grow up! Here I am being supportive and trying to give you advice, and you don't listen to it, and you don't even thank me for trying. Learn some damn manners and grow the eff up. Grow. The EFF. Up.

In other news, Firefox 3 is a piece of unstable crap and I'm unhappy with the creators of Ubuntu for loading it onto the install disk as default. Uninstalling and reinstalling an older version is such a pain with a Linux system (especially for a guy like me that doesn't fully understand how) and I'm tired of it not responding and having to force quit it, or it not being able to open up because it didn't quit properly and left some process running, forcing me to go into the system monitor and end the processes... etc. Anyway, I think Mozilla needs to get in gear and fix the problem and release an update. Not that I'm assuming they aren't doing what they can, I'm just a frustrated customer and appreciate their browser, but would like a few things fixed.

Speaking of poor excuses for service: Konami, get your rear in gear. If you just set up your MGO system to use the PSN network, then we wouldn't have to use your piss-poor myKonami bull on your crappy crap crap servers that can't even handle the traffic when you release ANYTHING that people will want to download. Now, I have a feeling that you did this so that you could port MGO onto the X360 and wouldn't have to set up dual servers to handle the different systems, but really, you should have been more prepared, especially if you were planning on having double the user base. If you WEREN'T planning to put MGO on the X360, then there is no excuse for not using the previously existing and STABLE PSN network for us folks that paid 60 friggen dollars for your game, expecting it to work correctly.

That said, I absolutely LOVE playing MGO when I'm on a good streak. However, knife battles make me so mad, because the inherent lag in the internet play makes it impossible to know exactly where to stab so you don't miss your enemy and you end up getting stabbed in the back when they suddenly appear behind you...