A year has come and gone. I don't really think much of the new year. To me, it's just another day. The birthday, now that's my new year. That's the time when I think back at everything I've done and gone through and then decide if it was worth anything. I feel that this year has been a great one for me.
I've been to three Off-Broadway Musicals. Les Miserables, that crappy one about... Vietnam? It's based off of Madam Butterfly. Miss Saigon, that's it! And Wicked, which was by far the best.
I have become infatuated and beyond with Rachel. Good times there.
I have nearly completed my third novel, this time with more words! And plot twists!
I was just selected as the Officer of the Quarter at work. Premium parking for three months and a cool plaque!
I got a bed. And a couch. And a tv.
I drove through the worst blizzard of my life and survived without incident.
I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy. Had my first episode of Sleep Paralysis about a month or two ago.
I started playing Magic: The Gathering.
I bought one gun, and was gifted another, and awesome one from my father.
I gained nearly twenty pounds.
I made some good chili.
That's about it. It's just been great, even with the bad parts. Everything seems to be falling into place, not that I haven't worked for a lot of it, but it's almost like the universe finally got sick of me being so boring all the time. Though, I suppose I am still boring to some people, like that douche at work that hates his life so much that he has to insult my own. Poor dude.
Showing posts with label narcolepsy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label narcolepsy. Show all posts
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Insanity
The only times I ever really doubt my sanity is when I'm on the verge of sleep. It's been a pretty common phenomenon for me to experience Hypnogogic hallucinations when I am falling asleep, and in the past year, they've increased in frequency.
Because of this, I tend to hear and "see" things that aren't there quite often. (I say "see" because my eyes are always closed, but I visualize them so vividly sometimes that I'm surprised when I have to open my eyes when I wake up.) For instance, I had a few hallucinations at work once, and I thought that inmates were escaping and creeping up on me to attack me. Then I woke up and realized I was hearing the clock ticking above me and it altered my perception.
Well, lately, I've been feeling things as I'm going to bed for the night, or getting up for the day. Yesterday morning I thought I spilled a jar of peanut butter on my shirt, and I was concerned with how to clean it off and if I could salvage any of it. I could really feel it on me though, that greasy peanut texture. I could smell and taste it. I woke up and realized I was just lying in bed. Then I started falling asleep and started hallucinating about peeing in the toilet and I woke up, afraid I might wet the bed (I didn't, by the way. Never once wet the bed, somehow.). Then I hallucinated again about holding an apple in my hand. All just as vivid as the last.
I rarely remember my hallucinations, but the past couple of days have been so frequent and disturbing that I've started wondering where the line is drawn between my conscious recollections and my unconscious wanderings. Again. I wondered a few months ago while I was dealing with the irritability associated with excessive sleepiness. You know, who am I if I am two different people depending on how tired I am.
The brain functions on many levels, and there are many levels that coexist psychologically as well. I'm wondering who I am at the core, beyond the irritable and lazy instinctual side of me, and beneath the complicated but confident exterior that functions from day to day.
Or do we even have a steady core at all? I'm reminded of the one and only book on cognitive psychology that I've ever read, "The Mind's I" that talks about such topics. Do we have a core that's just clouded by our minds, or are we the sum of our many layers?
Am I a brain? or, do I have a brain? If I were a book, would I be any single page? Any single explicit theme? Would I be the cover? Or would I be a chapter? Or a whole book?
Am I an eyeball? A brainstem? A collection of organs? A torso? A machine? A cluster of nerve endings?
It's all gray area for me right now. There is nothing solid to hold on to, yet at the same time, this nagging voice inside says it knows exactly who it is. This voice describes me more like a powerful computer, that just happens to have an old analogue monitor that takes a few minutes to warm up. Before it gets warmed up, it can only display a few colors, but once it's primed and ready to go, it has a great resolution and contrast ratio.
Did I just turn into a total nerd?
Because of this, I tend to hear and "see" things that aren't there quite often. (I say "see" because my eyes are always closed, but I visualize them so vividly sometimes that I'm surprised when I have to open my eyes when I wake up.) For instance, I had a few hallucinations at work once, and I thought that inmates were escaping and creeping up on me to attack me. Then I woke up and realized I was hearing the clock ticking above me and it altered my perception.
Well, lately, I've been feeling things as I'm going to bed for the night, or getting up for the day. Yesterday morning I thought I spilled a jar of peanut butter on my shirt, and I was concerned with how to clean it off and if I could salvage any of it. I could really feel it on me though, that greasy peanut texture. I could smell and taste it. I woke up and realized I was just lying in bed. Then I started falling asleep and started hallucinating about peeing in the toilet and I woke up, afraid I might wet the bed (I didn't, by the way. Never once wet the bed, somehow.). Then I hallucinated again about holding an apple in my hand. All just as vivid as the last.
I rarely remember my hallucinations, but the past couple of days have been so frequent and disturbing that I've started wondering where the line is drawn between my conscious recollections and my unconscious wanderings. Again. I wondered a few months ago while I was dealing with the irritability associated with excessive sleepiness. You know, who am I if I am two different people depending on how tired I am.
The brain functions on many levels, and there are many levels that coexist psychologically as well. I'm wondering who I am at the core, beyond the irritable and lazy instinctual side of me, and beneath the complicated but confident exterior that functions from day to day.
Or do we even have a steady core at all? I'm reminded of the one and only book on cognitive psychology that I've ever read, "The Mind's I" that talks about such topics. Do we have a core that's just clouded by our minds, or are we the sum of our many layers?
Am I a brain? or, do I have a brain? If I were a book, would I be any single page? Any single explicit theme? Would I be the cover? Or would I be a chapter? Or a whole book?
Am I an eyeball? A brainstem? A collection of organs? A torso? A machine? A cluster of nerve endings?
It's all gray area for me right now. There is nothing solid to hold on to, yet at the same time, this nagging voice inside says it knows exactly who it is. This voice describes me more like a powerful computer, that just happens to have an old analogue monitor that takes a few minutes to warm up. Before it gets warmed up, it can only display a few colors, but once it's primed and ready to go, it has a great resolution and contrast ratio.
Did I just turn into a total nerd?
Friday, May 15, 2009
Swirling clouds of ultimate chaos
So I was just grocery shopping, and I looked up in the sky, and saw my first swirling cloud pattern. Like, I watched it rotate about 45 degrees before Rachel yelled at me to get in the car.
There was a tornado warning in effect near Wichita, but it has been lifted and now we're just in a severe thunderstorm warning.
We had a severe thunderstorm a little over a week ago while I was at work. It was less than pleasant because I was in charge of most of the facility alarms that night. They pretty much all went off simultaneously and we lost power and things got a little hectic for a bit. Looks like tonight will be much of the same, but I guess it can't get much worse than I had it last week, so I'm not worried.
Still looking for a place to live. It's hard to find a decent home in this area that isn't ridiculously expensive. Right now I'm paying 450 a month plus utilities which is just a bit much for a single income. When Curtis left I lost the joy of splitting bills.
The cheapest place I found was 300 a month, but the place was a crap hole and the roof leaked. I may end up living with Rachel soon, so I don't want to live in a place that isn't semi-respectable. Roof leaks and kitchen/washroom combos and bathrooms with windows in the shower just don't cut it for me.
So the other night I had a sleep attack while I was watching a digital clock with a second counter on it. I was pretty fascinated inbetween microsleeps to find out how long I slept. See, every time I woke up, I would look at the clock, then I would fall asleep and wake back up to look at the clock. Most of the time, I would only sleep for about one second at a time. I think the longest I slept was about 7 seconds, but it's hard to tell the exact moment I fell asleep and when to gauge the amount of seconds that went by. I know for certain that I dozed about 3 times in 15 seconds at one point. That was interesting, because I honestly thought more time had been passing, but each time I saw the clock, only 2 or 3 seconds had passed, then 2 or 3 more, and after the third nap, only a quarter minute had really gone by. Fun fun.
There was a tornado warning in effect near Wichita, but it has been lifted and now we're just in a severe thunderstorm warning.
We had a severe thunderstorm a little over a week ago while I was at work. It was less than pleasant because I was in charge of most of the facility alarms that night. They pretty much all went off simultaneously and we lost power and things got a little hectic for a bit. Looks like tonight will be much of the same, but I guess it can't get much worse than I had it last week, so I'm not worried.
Still looking for a place to live. It's hard to find a decent home in this area that isn't ridiculously expensive. Right now I'm paying 450 a month plus utilities which is just a bit much for a single income. When Curtis left I lost the joy of splitting bills.
The cheapest place I found was 300 a month, but the place was a crap hole and the roof leaked. I may end up living with Rachel soon, so I don't want to live in a place that isn't semi-respectable. Roof leaks and kitchen/washroom combos and bathrooms with windows in the shower just don't cut it for me.
So the other night I had a sleep attack while I was watching a digital clock with a second counter on it. I was pretty fascinated inbetween microsleeps to find out how long I slept. See, every time I woke up, I would look at the clock, then I would fall asleep and wake back up to look at the clock. Most of the time, I would only sleep for about one second at a time. I think the longest I slept was about 7 seconds, but it's hard to tell the exact moment I fell asleep and when to gauge the amount of seconds that went by. I know for certain that I dozed about 3 times in 15 seconds at one point. That was interesting, because I honestly thought more time had been passing, but each time I saw the clock, only 2 or 3 seconds had passed, then 2 or 3 more, and after the third nap, only a quarter minute had really gone by. Fun fun.
Monday, May 4, 2009
The good and bad
Ubuntu 9.04 is out, and I am enjoying it muchly right now. There are cool desktop screenlets for weather and news, and I have a secondary desktop that monitors my motherboard and logs my network usage. It's very cool. Computer boots up in about 30 seconds as well, as opposed to several minutes with Vista. I'm impressed with the improvements that have been made in the last year.
But then there's the sleep issues and the money issues. I'm just about off the Ritalin, though it's pretty much the only thing that will keep me awake these days. I just woke up from a three hour nap I took while I was reading a book. Probably fell asleep between midnight and 1 AM, and then woke up at 3:18. I went, "Aw... fu--" and blinked. When I opened my eyes, it was 4:30 AM, which was the time I planned to go to bed for the night anyway. That's enormously frustrating, though I took it pretty well. I know I've been sleep deprived lately, so I saw it coming, but losing 4 hours unintentionally doesn't help much.
The state budget is under scrutiny right now. Apparently the state is ten million over budget in the Corrections department, so they are trying to figure out how to save the money. One proposal was a 5% pay cut for state employees, which was luckily shot down. However, the route that they will probably take is likely just as bad. They may end up closing down more facilities and removing inmate programs, leading to overcrowding and unrest, which could in turn make my job more dangerous. I don't really need that, though, it may keep me awake if that's the case.
But besides a little frustration, life is really good. The weather is getting unpredictable and crazy. There's lots of rain and we've already had some tornado activity. I love the excitement.
Also, I ran a mile in 9:37, then matched that record again a couple days later. I hope to beat it tomorrow when I run again.
But then there's the sleep issues and the money issues. I'm just about off the Ritalin, though it's pretty much the only thing that will keep me awake these days. I just woke up from a three hour nap I took while I was reading a book. Probably fell asleep between midnight and 1 AM, and then woke up at 3:18. I went, "Aw... fu--" and blinked. When I opened my eyes, it was 4:30 AM, which was the time I planned to go to bed for the night anyway. That's enormously frustrating, though I took it pretty well. I know I've been sleep deprived lately, so I saw it coming, but losing 4 hours unintentionally doesn't help much.
The state budget is under scrutiny right now. Apparently the state is ten million over budget in the Corrections department, so they are trying to figure out how to save the money. One proposal was a 5% pay cut for state employees, which was luckily shot down. However, the route that they will probably take is likely just as bad. They may end up closing down more facilities and removing inmate programs, leading to overcrowding and unrest, which could in turn make my job more dangerous. I don't really need that, though, it may keep me awake if that's the case.
But besides a little frustration, life is really good. The weather is getting unpredictable and crazy. There's lots of rain and we've already had some tornado activity. I love the excitement.
Also, I ran a mile in 9:37, then matched that record again a couple days later. I hope to beat it tomorrow when I run again.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
and I had so much to say...
Where to start? I've spent the last few days detoxing and going through withdrawals from the Ritalin. I think. Maybe I'm actually sick, but the mood swings and body aches seem to fit in with my medication schedule. See, two weeks ago, I was regularly taking two 20 mg tablets twice a day, four hours apart. Of course, 20 mg doesn't go through the system in four hours, so for a short period of time every day, I'd have quite a rush from the little overload.
The good thing about that, is that I would be in a great mood, wide awake, and doing a great job at work. The bad thing is that once my body stopped getting that high every day, it made me irritable and sick.
At my last appointment, I was given a month's supply of extended release Ritalin, which was 30 mg spaced out over an entire day. It worked for about 3 days before I started getting dangerously drowsy at work and then getting body aches. Over my weekend, I decided to just not take anything and then try to go up from nothing, instead of coming down from the high dose.
Well, I haven't made up my mind yet entirely on what to do about the meds. Can't reach the doctor 'til Monday, so I have to get through the weekend. Yesterday and today I just took 10 mg in the afternoon and left it at that, but I had tonight off so I don't know how it would have fared in the work environment.
Laurie's cancer has returned with a vengeance and she's undergoing much more serious treatment this time around. Surgery is planned for this summer and she's doing three chemo/radiation treatments a week. Gotta hand it to her though. She's still working full-time on top of all of that. At Walmart, no less. Her commitment never ceases to amaze me.
Friend of mine at work lost his job the other day. Wish I knew exactly what happened. Apparently they've been trying to fire him for years, always looking for a good reason. He misses lots of work, has lots of health problems, but in my opinion was quite capable of his job. Unfortunately, he has quite severe narcolepsy, fell asleep on the job a couple times, and was demoted. The last time we spoke, he said our boss surprised him by asking him how they could work together to improve the situation (when before it was usually something along the lines of "get out, you're fired" which was always taken back). That was probably about a month ago.
Probably could all have been prevented if they let him work day shift. My network of spies say he has enemies higher up.
Last of the news is nothing exciting to anyone but me, really. I installed Fedora 10 on a Powerbook G4. It wasn't perfect, but now I have everything working except for the sound (I had it, but when I rebooted, it stopped working again.).
I did it for Rachel, who really hated Mac OS, and a little for myself, to get more familiar with using Linux. She needs a laptop for school and hopefully I can get it to emulate some Windows-Only software for her so she doesn't have to buy an expensive new laptop.
Also, just finished "Little Brother" by Cory Doctorow. Great book. Recommended.
The good thing about that, is that I would be in a great mood, wide awake, and doing a great job at work. The bad thing is that once my body stopped getting that high every day, it made me irritable and sick.
At my last appointment, I was given a month's supply of extended release Ritalin, which was 30 mg spaced out over an entire day. It worked for about 3 days before I started getting dangerously drowsy at work and then getting body aches. Over my weekend, I decided to just not take anything and then try to go up from nothing, instead of coming down from the high dose.
Well, I haven't made up my mind yet entirely on what to do about the meds. Can't reach the doctor 'til Monday, so I have to get through the weekend. Yesterday and today I just took 10 mg in the afternoon and left it at that, but I had tonight off so I don't know how it would have fared in the work environment.
Laurie's cancer has returned with a vengeance and she's undergoing much more serious treatment this time around. Surgery is planned for this summer and she's doing three chemo/radiation treatments a week. Gotta hand it to her though. She's still working full-time on top of all of that. At Walmart, no less. Her commitment never ceases to amaze me.
Friend of mine at work lost his job the other day. Wish I knew exactly what happened. Apparently they've been trying to fire him for years, always looking for a good reason. He misses lots of work, has lots of health problems, but in my opinion was quite capable of his job. Unfortunately, he has quite severe narcolepsy, fell asleep on the job a couple times, and was demoted. The last time we spoke, he said our boss surprised him by asking him how they could work together to improve the situation (when before it was usually something along the lines of "get out, you're fired" which was always taken back). That was probably about a month ago.
Probably could all have been prevented if they let him work day shift. My network of spies say he has enemies higher up.
Last of the news is nothing exciting to anyone but me, really. I installed Fedora 10 on a Powerbook G4. It wasn't perfect, but now I have everything working except for the sound (I had it, but when I rebooted, it stopped working again.).
I did it for Rachel, who really hated Mac OS, and a little for myself, to get more familiar with using Linux. She needs a laptop for school and hopefully I can get it to emulate some Windows-Only software for her so she doesn't have to buy an expensive new laptop.
Also, just finished "Little Brother" by Cory Doctorow. Great book. Recommended.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Oh, by the way...
Got the definitive diagnosis a few days ago. I have a textbook case of narcolepsy. My brain goes into REM sleep faster than most people, and I end up not getting any restful sleep during the night. I wake up over 200 times per night. When I take naps, I fall asleep, on average, in 4 minutes, and immediately go into REM sleep, getting no rest, once again. According to the doctor and my latest sleep study, it's pretty "clear cut" as he said. No doubt about it.
So, the good news is, there is no more confusion, no more doubt, no more ambiguity. I know what I have, I know how to deal with it, and I don't have to worry if I am being honest with myself and others or not when it comes to my sleepiness (No, I'm not lazy, no I didn't stay up partying. I can't help it.).
The bad news is that current research seems to be a bit behind on treatment options. I'm sure there will be better ones in the not too distant future. Here's hoping.
So, the good news is, there is no more confusion, no more doubt, no more ambiguity. I know what I have, I know how to deal with it, and I don't have to worry if I am being honest with myself and others or not when it comes to my sleepiness (No, I'm not lazy, no I didn't stay up partying. I can't help it.).
The bad news is that current research seems to be a bit behind on treatment options. I'm sure there will be better ones in the not too distant future. Here's hoping.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Everything is lame
Having a rough couple of days. No need going into the details or the why's of what's up, but it's enough to say that I'm just having a bit of an episode. I'm pretty depressed, I don't want to do anything but sleep, and it's taking quite a bit of willpower to stay up. I have a ton of stuff to do, and no interest in any of it.
I think I'll take a bath and hope I come up with something else to do to avoid sleeping, because, if I sleep, I'll wake up in 4 or 5 or possibly 8 hours from now, then I'll stay up til noon doing nothing, and I'll have to sleep again as long as I can in order to function at work later. If I just stay up until noon, then I won't mess up my sleep schedule and I can have a semi-normal night at work (IE: falling asleep for one hour, as opposed to five).
I knew this drop in mood was coming, I saw it coming and patiently waited for it, and now that it's here I can't go much further down, so I guess it's back to feeling good soon.
I think I'll take a bath and hope I come up with something else to do to avoid sleeping, because, if I sleep, I'll wake up in 4 or 5 or possibly 8 hours from now, then I'll stay up til noon doing nothing, and I'll have to sleep again as long as I can in order to function at work later. If I just stay up until noon, then I won't mess up my sleep schedule and I can have a semi-normal night at work (IE: falling asleep for one hour, as opposed to five).
I knew this drop in mood was coming, I saw it coming and patiently waited for it, and now that it's here I can't go much further down, so I guess it's back to feeling good soon.
Friday, January 30, 2009
It's Official
Saw a specialist today, which netted me an official diagnosis. I have Narcolepsy.
Granted, it's not a serious case, and it shouldn't really interfere with my life unless it gets worse (which, I hear, does happen.).
This comes as a relief now because I was sick of not having a concrete answer regarding my sleepiness. I don't have to explain to everyone that "I show most of the major symptoms for narcolepsy but I haven't been properly diagnosed, so make sure I don't fall asleep." Now I can just say, "Ha! You can't fire me cause it's not my fault!"
So, doc said to keep taking my Provigil for a few weeks to see if it helps. Hopefully I won't succumb to tolerance. In the past week I've started falling asleep at work again while taking the drug, so the doctor recommended upping the dose until it works consistently. I have a feeling I'll end up taking like, 800 mg one night and still getting sleepy, which'll basically mean the drug is useless to me.
Not much else to say on the subject. I just have to learn to get over my frustrations when I can't remember waking up and shutting off my alarm and going back to bed. It's maddening waking up two or three hours after your intended wake time and finding your alarm to be shut off. (This just happened to me. I wanted to nap from 12 to 1, and I slept until 3:30).
My agenda for tonight (what's left of it) is to do my taxes and... I don't know what else. Take a hot bath maybe. My back is stiff. I need to recover my writing from an old hard drive from an old computer so I have more content to add to my new website.
Granted, it's not a serious case, and it shouldn't really interfere with my life unless it gets worse (which, I hear, does happen.).
This comes as a relief now because I was sick of not having a concrete answer regarding my sleepiness. I don't have to explain to everyone that "I show most of the major symptoms for narcolepsy but I haven't been properly diagnosed, so make sure I don't fall asleep." Now I can just say, "Ha! You can't fire me cause it's not my fault!"
So, doc said to keep taking my Provigil for a few weeks to see if it helps. Hopefully I won't succumb to tolerance. In the past week I've started falling asleep at work again while taking the drug, so the doctor recommended upping the dose until it works consistently. I have a feeling I'll end up taking like, 800 mg one night and still getting sleepy, which'll basically mean the drug is useless to me.
Not much else to say on the subject. I just have to learn to get over my frustrations when I can't remember waking up and shutting off my alarm and going back to bed. It's maddening waking up two or three hours after your intended wake time and finding your alarm to be shut off. (This just happened to me. I wanted to nap from 12 to 1, and I slept until 3:30).
My agenda for tonight (what's left of it) is to do my taxes and... I don't know what else. Take a hot bath maybe. My back is stiff. I need to recover my writing from an old hard drive from an old computer so I have more content to add to my new website.
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