I'm not sure if this is a seasonal thing or something I've just grown into, but every so often, I drive my friends away. I did it last year with my girlfriend, right about this time of year, nitpicking, only seeing her faults, loathing the time we spent together. She said I changed, and I thought she was just being an idiot.
Well, it's started happening again, this time I definitely know something is up. I've started picking fights with my friend Laurie and pointing out faults and making issues out of things that are rather unimportant. My patience is not what it normally is and I find myself frustrated more often than usual.
I'm fairly certain this is a seasonal thing, combined with the fact that I don't see the sun anymore (working all night, sleeping all day) that's just getting to me. A few days ago I felt my first depressive episode since April. That's... that's a record for me. I've never been so great for so long. I mean, living in Wyoming was a drag because you only got 3 months of good outdoor time and sunlight. So that was about 3 months of feeling great. Now, it's like 10 months of feeling great and 2 feeling a little down. Which is loads better, but it still puts a strain on my relationships and coworkers.
For instance, tonight at work, a new girl was calling the wrong person on the radio, delivering standard messages about inmate movement. The thing was, she had been told before what the codenames are, and she said she could handle it, then she repeatedly calls out the wrong codename over the radio. This back and forth had absolutely nothing to do with me or my post tonight, yet I found myself getting frustrated at her all night.
Now, in my mind, my frustration is totally justified. This was her fourth night at that post, her fourth night making the same mistakes. She's only been working here for a week and a half. However, by my fourth night, I had the radio down, or at least, I asked and double checked my codenames before I used it. So, part of me says, "give her time" and part of me says, "why isn't she good enough?"
And I seriously do this for nearly everyone I meet. I pass judgments on people and size up my expectations of them, and it is totally unfair. I have no justification for this besides my own subjective reasoning, which is obviously askew since I only tend to be bitchy like this during the winter months.
So, Laurie, I'm very sorry. I know I have a problem. I have never worked on it before, so it'll be a rough time, but I'm going to try and keep my head on my shoulders this winter.
And to anyone else that incurs my wrath, just pretend it's all some really bad joke. Laugh it off and give me space.
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4 comments:
I'm proud of you for acknowledging the mistakes and being a man to face them and work on them. Im not going anywhere. I might bitch at you and we fight more, but thats life. There are always ups and downs. 10 months of feeling good is a really nice stretch for you. Thats awesome. Hang in there Chris.
I finished your book this afternoon. I like the idea of SLC turning into one giant orange peel textured beautiful wasteland.
I have this fantastic image in my mind of what it would look like. So desolate and misty and poisonous.
However, I only saw Dad do a salt glaze once and while I was writing it, I had the wrong image in my head of how it would actually look if salt bonded to everything there... so... something to fix in the next draft. :)
I've done soda and salt, and both times it was pretty awesome. It would be a glossy coating on everything and all the plants would die, but then again a solar flare hitting the earth would probably kill everything before the vapor got to it. The whole town would be food-safe and dishwasher safe afterwards. . .
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