At the lowest low

I went to the clinic today to get tested for mono. I'm not particularly worried about having it, but since I took half of a night off work the other day from feeling sick, I figured it would be a good idea to know for sure.

So, there I was, typically anxious as I typically am around your typical needle, just waiting around. The nurse does what every nurse does (tells me I have terrible veins that are being selfish with their precious precious blood.) and then squirms around with the needle until she can get some goodies. Well, I made it through the plasma part, and then she snapped off tubes and grabbed the one for blood (I guess? Never done a blood draw. The first tube had plasma-esque substance in it...).

As she brought the tube to the needle, I felt my vision getting hazy, and I remember saying, "I'm starting to pass out." She told me I needed to relax, and to take a deep breath.

Normally, when I need to relax, be it for meditation or to sleep or just to calm down, I will recite the Norse Alphabet. It's something I've picked up in the last couple years and it usually works pretty well. The first few letters are Fehu, Uruz, Thurisaz, and Ansuz, which are parallel to the Phonetic F, U, TH, and A.

Anyway, I remember taking a deepish breath, then saying in my head, "FEH--"

Next thing I know, I have a mind-numbing headache. That's the first thing I remember. Then I felt that slight tingle at the end of my penis that is familiar to all men who ever urinate. I tightened up my urethral and anal sphincters, then I took a deep breath and said, "I passed out."

Somehow, I managed to avoid vomiting. (I don't think the Dinner Pizza would have tasted as good on the flipside.) Almost immediately, I began cracking jokes, lightening the mood, my mood, trying to feel better. I was tingling uncomfortably all over, my head was swimming, I wanted to barf, I had to keep peeing...

The nurse didn't get much blood. She told me I snored in my sleep for a few seconds, and that the amount of blood she got during that time was probably enough, but we will see after she sends in the samples to the laboratory.

When it comes down to it, I'm really fucking scared right now. The humiliation, the sick feeling, the horror of not being able to handle something as pathetic as a little needle. Dammit I feel like a piece of shit. I punch walls for fun! That hurts more than the stupid needle, so why the anxiety?

Moreover, how can I ever amount to the kind of man I look up to if I can't handle the things they take in stride? On a deep personal level, I feel like I've hit a wall that I don't know how to climb. I feel like I have a part of me I can't control that will never be as focused and determined as I want it to be, and that it's dragging me down.

I'm afraid to go to sleep, which I wanted to do an hour ago...

Greetings from Bethany, Missouri

Up here at a wedding for Rachel's friend, Elizabeth. She was married yesterday at around 6ish PM in her In-Law's yard, underneath an off-white tent in front of 30 or so people. She looked fantastic in her white and red gown, and the groom, Nathan, looked quite nice himself, in the black/white/red three piece he had thrown on.

I've only been to three weddings in my life that I recall. I guess I played a gig for a reception once and I vaguely recall seeing something where an uncle of mine told me that "trumpet players make the best kissers" which my mother didn't approve of me hearing for some reason.

So, I remember my Mom's sister Louanne getting married, and my Dad's sister Jamie. But both of those celebrations occurred long ago and my memory is vague.

Today was an interesting experience for me. It was an Episcopalian service, and the Reverend/Minister/Priest guy was a really neat dude. Apparently, Elizabeth wants to go into the Seminary someday, so you can imagine how spiritual the wedding ceremony was.

I felt a little out of place there, for quite a few reasons, but I met some of Rachel's old friends and I think they're all really cool. I got to skip a couple days of work too. Overall I've had a great weekend so far. Looks like we'll get to repeat the whole process again next month for another friend, though, word on the street (read: Directly from the bride-to-be) has it that the next wedding I'll be at will be a little bigger. Closer to 150 people should be there.

I've learned a lot of new things about my psyche this weekend that I wouldn't have explored otherwise. It's been very eye-opening, yet on the other hand, I've thought of nearly as many questions that I can't answer right now. Perhaps that's the process of life at work. As soon as you answer two questions, three more pop up. It's how we grow and develop.

I am a Correctional Officer

I have a uniform, and various badges, and a utility belt! It pretty much kicks ass, in every way.

I'm in a class of 12 people during basic training. I've nicknamed them as follows (These are all in jest. I mean no disrespect to some very cool people I'm getting to work with):

Testosterone: Everything he says is either intended to puff himself up, or make himself look better to other people. He can never leave a joke without some kind of witty addition. Example:

"Man, the best way to gain weight fast is McDonalds. One time I had to gain 5 pounds for a match, and you can sure bet I made it!"

"Ha, dude, I bet you gained like, 10 pounds!"

"Yeah! Ha, like, 9.5!! HAR HAR HAR"

Also known as: Douche Bag.

Son Goku: Is about the size of Goku from Dragon Ball Z. He can bench 300 lbs and is Testosterone's best friend (since they started working together at least)

Also known as: Muscle Head.

FrankenElf: Looks like a mix of Frankenstein's Monster and any elf from your typical fantasy movie/book. He's 5'7" and 125 lbs, just barely smaller than I am, and has this fierce gaze. He looks older than he is, and has an unusual skin tone and some grey hair. He looks pretty odd, yes, but is a cool guy.

Also known as: Frankenstein.

Swanson Man: He looks like exactly who you'd expect to be delivering Swanson food, and interestingly, he actually WAS a Swanson man before this job. He's big and tall and looks like a total computer nerd. Completely out of place for a group of prison guards.

Also known as: Maytag Repairman Apprentice (The guy in the new Maytag Commercials).

Baby Face: He's twenty, but looks like a chubby sixteen year old.

Father Time: He's the oldest looking in the bunch, but isn't actually that old. Judging by his behavior though when he's around Testosterone, he really misses his youth. Every time he and Testosterone are near eachother, he tries really hard to fit in. Fun to watch.

Pizza Neck: He has an abundance of acne on his neck. However, he has the coolest real name ever, and I'll gladly salute him for it.

Also known as: Shy Kid.

Mole: Think "The Mole" from the movie "Goldmember". Yeah...

Also known as: Cussing tiger hidden mole-nose.

Nice Lady: I can't think of a name for her.

Anime Girl: Her eyes are like... round on the inside, and pointy on the outside, which is just amazing looking. They really remind me of some character's eyes from the Anime film "Spirited Away."

Also known as: Tramp Stamp.

Top Gun: He mentioned that he planned to go into the Air Force if this job doesn't pan out. Ironically, he has a very Tom Cruise from Top Gun haircut so maybe it'll work out well for him.

Also known as: Tom Cruise.

Me: I'm awesome, and everything I say is awesome and true, and I'm never wrong, because I'm a manly man.

Also known as: The most fricken humble person who ever existed, without a doubt.

Bringing people up vs. Cutting them down

I'm the kind of person that likes to bring other people up, first and foremost. I like to be friendly, I like to flirt, a lot, and I like to give compliments at completely random and inappropriate times. I'm a rather absurd person in a way... I guess you could say I'm really raw? I don't sugar coat things, I'm just honest. I get this from my mom, mostly (the brutal honesty thing).

I also like to think of myself as able to see things from more points of view than my own. I can sympathize with people who disagree with me, because I often see where they are coming from, and I can explain to them, honestly, how our views differ and how we can compromise. At least, I can see how we differ, but getting the compromise to WORK is an issue.

I've known this girl, we'll call her Michelle, for that is her name, for a few months now. "Known" is a bit of a misnomer, for I haven't met her in real life. We chat it up daily. Anyway, we get along fairly well, or did until recently.

Part of who I am, like I said before, is someone who loves to flirt and get along well. My flirting is not often of the serious variety because I'm rather shy when it comes down to being forward and direct. Maybe that's why I flirt so innocently, anyway...

Michelle hates when people flirt with her. She hates it so much that she gets angry. When she gets angry, she proudly, and I stress the proud aspect, becomes a hatin'-beeotch. She says the most condescending and malevolent things to purposefully cut a man down. All because she hates to be flirted with.

This reminds me of a philosophical question I asked myself a year ago after reading the short story, "Is God a Taoist?"

What makes a sin, a sin? After some thought, it can pretty much be summed up as saying, "A sin is an action that causes harm to another." So with that definition, we come to some difficulty.

Let's take cursing for example. Some faiths believe that cursing is a sin. Does cursing harm anyone? Your first guess would most likely be, "No. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." Seems pretty clear cut. However, there are different uses of curse words. You can curse AT someone, or you can just curse as part of your language. Cursing AT someone is what I would call a sin, because the intent and the following action are meant to hurt someone.

But what about just cursing when you regularly speak? What about when you are angry (but not pointing your cursings at any person)? If you are like me, sometimes when someone curses, you get a little uneasy. Now, I've been around cursing my whole life, so I can imagine that someone who hasn't gets even more uncomfortable when someone curses, perhaps even to the point of physical sickness.

Such was the case with my friend from high school and college. She claimed that hearing the "F" word literally made her nauseous.

So who is at fault? Does her mental block on swearing make her the sinner for belligerently condemning an innocent word? Or am I sinning because I knowingly swear around her with the knowledge of her apparent "condition"?

Now, this example is pretty clear cut because the premise of the situation revolves around only a handful of precepts. In this case I would be in the wrong, I believe, because I'm being disrespectful to her belief. But what if I didn't know she got sick when hearing curse words? What if she said it's okay? What if I was trying to help her see that she doesn't HAVE TO GET SICK?

Let's backtrack now. Michelle hates when I flirt, yet flirting is a core part of my personality. When I flirt, the intent is to bring her up. When she lashes out at me, her intent is to cut me down. Since I know that she hates when I flirt, and I still do it, am I at fault for trying to help her be happier? Is this a case of good intentions and poor implementation? Is she at fault for trying to teach me a lesson? Is she at fault for trying to make herself less uncomfortable?

Her and I are no longer on speaking terms because I told her that her intent to harm my emotions was unacceptable for a friendship and that I felt it was unfair that my intent to bring her up was always trodden upon. She took that as me calling her, "the problem."

I'm not sure who is right or wrong here. Since I'm biased and believe I always know what's right, of course my gut reaction is to be defensive and be angry that she is so ignorant of her behavior, but looking back, perhaps I could have cut back on my flirting.

Of course, that opens up a whole other can of philosophical worms. Questions like, "At what point in changing my personality for others am I making a sin against myself?" and, "Who am I, exactly, other than a few repeating patterns of behavior, some of them potentially destructive, anyway?"

That first question I had to ask myself during a Church musical concert where I was asked to cut my hair in order to perform. I'll tell that story another time perhaps.

2 Thoughts from Bruce Lee

Most of anyone that hears "Bruce Lee" basically lets their mind jump immediately to "That karate guy" or "That actor." Bruce was actually much more than just a Martial Arts master and actor. He was quite the philosopher, and attended college, majoring in Philosophy. A good portion of his education after college was straight out of books that he would read, many of which were psychology books. Here are two quotes from his private notes that are good to think about.

"Maturation is the development from environmental support to self-support."

"I cannot teach you; only help you to explore yourself. Nothing more."

If you have the time, think about what those lines mean, both as separate entities, and how they relate to eachother. You might be so lucky as to realize something about yourself, as I did.