Wednesday, October 29, 2008


I was driving home from the house of my friend Laurie tonight. It's about 35 miles I guess from my driveway to hers. Glancing out my driver's side window, I caught a glimpse of the Orion's Belt constellation. Every time I see it I seem to think it should be smaller. I swear when I was a kid, the constellation was about half the size as it is now. Perhaps it's just my imagination, but I'm always surprised at how vast it appears and how brightly the stars shine.

So, while I'm looking out, thinking of the vastness of the universe, a truck comes in my direction in the opposite lane, so I dim my high-beams and wonder, "What's that guy's story?"

What is any guy's story, really?

I woke up this morning about 7:45 AM. I had crashed at Laurie's house since I was still a bit sick from the flu and she had heating blankets and ibuprofin. I woke up this morning almost 100% better, and for some reason, quite emotional. I went to the doctor, got my new graphics card for the computer (Can't use it cause my power supply will burn out within seconds if I plug it in) and went back to Laurie's to drop her off.

On the way, I was explaining the basic plot of the musical, "Wicked" based off the novel by Gregory Maguire. While listening to the music, I don't know what exactly was happening, maybe hormones or some other brain chemicals were going wild, but I was on the brink of tears while listening to the first few tracks of the Broadway recording. Now, I always get the chills on the first track, "No One Mourns the Wicked". But this was ridiculous. (I do feel I relate to it in a way, for a long time being a non-Mormon in a heavily dominant Mormon town, I felt "wicked")

I also watched Obama's 30 minute... thing tonight. I dunno what to call it. It was a campaign ad, but it was mostly about American people that he intends to help as President. Whatever it was, it nearly put me in tears. This time, tears of joy, which I've only had like, twice in my life (both forced, to an extent, by the way) were right on the brink of falling out of my eyeballs.

I swear this all ties together in some way.

Another thing I've been doing recently in my spare time is studying the I-Ching. I had never heard of it actually until I read a book compiled from notes written by the late Bruce Lee called, Artist of Life. Apparently Lee had studied and contemplated it in his life, and since I'm a raging fanboy and want to do everything Bruce did, I got myself a copy. I got myself the supposed difinitive ultra awesome new translation by a guy who was imprisoned and tortured in China years ago and now teaches Tai Chi in California. (He has a pretty impressive life history actually, and writes a very... full book. There is so much information on each page that it would take years to understand even half of it, but it's not so dense that you can't get a little tidbit of great philosophy every time you sit and read it.)

In this book, the process of the universe, and in a way, a look at the Tao is explained. The cycle of the world is based upon 64 guas that each describe a moment or process in life that moves on to the next. The first two gua as "Taoist Master Alfred Huang" lists them are "Heaven" and "Earth", more commonly known as Yang and Yin. Positive and negative. To have a working knowledge of positive and negative, heaven and earth, you can effectively deflect anything undesireable in your life, neutralizing conflict and bringing peace to others, as well as your own mind.

Stay with me here, we have a few topics to remember. 1.) The universe is big, 2.) I'm interested in people, 3.) I'm hyper-emotional (Hyper-positive), 4.) My thoughts, of late, have been of peace and harmony.

Lastly, my younger brother and I were discussing a few nights ago about doing something big in life. This is a hard thing to define, because some people make amazing accomplishments within their mind, that no one can see, and no one will ever celebrate them because it is not visible. On the other hand, people that build big things and produce amazing tangible works in their lifetimes are remembered forever, even if it took little effort in the grand scheme of things.

So, in the realm of possibility, what could I possibly do to positively make a big impact on the world, while remaining within the balance of Yin and Yang? How can I help humans? Is it even my place to help others? What am I robbing people of by nosing my way into their lives?

My grandpa often offers to buy me things, take me out to dinner, make my life comfortable in a material sense whenever I am visiting him. He does this for his family because, in his mind, he will reap benefits and blessings here and in heaven for doing such good deeds. There is a minor flaw in that mindset, I believe, but it's a respectable outlook on life. If we refuse his offer, he usually gives us a spiel about how it "robs him of his blessings" because we are preventing him from doing a good deed.

Now, normally I don't buy into that "robbing of blessings" outlook. But I often use that tactic when I'm trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

You know what, I'm incredibly tired right now and have completely lost the focus of this entry in the past two paragraphs.

Let me just get it out there while I can: I want to overthrow a Columbian drug cartel and start making millions shipping blow all over the world, buying an island nation, and beginning my ascent into world domination. That's it.

At the doctor today: She said she wanted me to get lab work done to make sure I didn't have diabetes or some kind of chronic health problem that was causing me to sleep so much (I have hypersombulism, which may be due to narcolepsy or sleep apnea and a lack of oxygen) and I'm also going to get a sleep study done sometime in the next week or two. I may also see a specialist and get some drugs if a proper diagnosis can't be found soon.

I still need to talk to a doctor about my hearing. I have a slight suspicion that my social problems are, in some way, due to hearing loss and the inability to follow conversation very well. Maybe it's just a vain hope that I'm unpopular due to some 3rd party, rather than having to blame myself, or maybe it's something that could actually, if understood and taken care of, help me develop more friendships.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

The best part about the flu

Is not having it. Ugh, this is seriously unpleasant. I hate being sick with a passion, and it used to be so rare for me. Now I seem to get sick a couple times a year instead of just once. This is, of course, just gauging by the last two. About 10 months ago I passed out for the first time. Interesting experience, since I've never lost consciousness before without being in a bed.

Funny story actually. I was in Evanston, Wyoming one night, and I bought chinese food for me and my girlfriend at the time. I drove back to Mountain View, and we ate. And I really chowed down. I drank like, 2 cups of egg drop soup, and then downed some sweet and sour chicken. I really overate. So after we ate, I went back home to Lyman, about 5 miles away and started playing Super Stardust HD for the PS3. I was having a gay ol' time blowing up asteroids, when suddenly, I was feeling motion sick. Now, that's not too unusual, I figured I'd finish the level I was on and go lie down. I also had to pee though, so I paused the game and went to the bathroom. I unzipped, whipped it out, peed, and then got lightheaded, which again, not too unusual since I literally jumped off the couch and sprinted to the bathroom (It was a particularly intense game, gimme a break.). I finished peeing, and I kept getting more and more lightheaded. The last thing I remember was falling forward, putting my hands down on the back of the toilet tank dealy and saying, "oh craaa---"

I woke up on the other side of the bathroom, facing the toilet, wang hanging out of my pants, pointing at me. I jolted to alertness, and said aloud, "Did I just faint? whoaaAAABLAAARRGGGHHHH!!!" and proceeded to violently vomit up all of the chinese I ate and 15 ounces of Naked brand Red Machine.

And I do mean violently. It was the most projectile of all vomits I've hurled from my innards. There was just so much pressure from behind throwing it out that it was almost satisfying. Like, I'm sure someone would be impressed by the distance I could have achieved. Maybe a bulimic.

Anyway, with this nasty flu, I've thrown up twice, pure bile, pure rage, pure "brother hiding in the corner of the house plugging his ears repeating 'This isn't really happening' over and over like a mantra."

My neck and head hurt so much right now I think I ought to lie down again.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Momentary Visions

I've begun to write a collection of poetry based on momentary concepts that I think of. You know how sometimes you'll be thinking about a particularly good memory, maybe of going on a hike or a picnic? I have lots of little snippets of good moments that I think I do more justice describing with only a single verse, rather than using my usual tedious prose.

Here's the first three.


Wheat grass fields

golden in the sun,

the wind blows gently

the heat warms my face.


Outside our magnificent sailing ship

the water splashes, crashes, breaks apart

a gentle mist touches our skin

it cools and refreshes as we start our journey anew.


So green and lush

the forest surrounds me

dark and ominous

a gentle breeze sweeps through.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Quote for the Day 2

"If I don't get my shower, I'mma turn into R. Kelly and piss all over you!!"

My friend Laurie went to the hospital last night for pancreatitis. I'm not sure if it's related to her cancer treatments or what. Probably is since her immune system has been significantly suppressed with chemo and radiation treatments. I feel so helpless watching her get sick and go to the hospital so much. Perhaps this is one of those hard life lessons I should be learning or something. Maybe it's one of those humiliating experiences that my hard head won't let me see yet or some equally esoteric bullshit.

I don't know what else to say. I've been staring at my screen for the better part of an hour with no idea of where to go with this. My cup of water is empty, and my legs are too tired to get up and take me to the pitcher. I'm discussing the nature of God and Man and Altruism in a chatroom I frequent (perhaps too much.).

I have to be in bed in two hours. Less if I can, though I always have an excuse to stay up and satiate my addiction to the internet.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

More about my TV, cause I have nothing better to talk about

That's our basic setup right now while we wait for money to do things like buy furniture and such. The speakers are hanging rather loosely so we need some way to make them stay firm in place. Also, I plan to cover that entire wall with a curtain to make it both more theatrical, and more windowless.
This is the original price for the TV. Curtis and I guess it was marked to 900 because it was a display TV. Then, when the bulb went out, they took it to 100. So I paid 100 for the TV and 129 for the bulb. I just can't get over what a deal this was.

So anyway, it's been raining for a week solid. Record setting year for rainfall in Wichita, which is 30 miles away. It's awfully cold at work since I have to walk out in the open a lot and my jacket soaks up rain like a sponge. I'm not looking forward to winter, but I know it won't be nearly as bad as winter in Wyoming, so I won't fret too much.

Friday, October 10, 2008


I just fixed my TV. Here is the old bulb that was all burned out that they wanted to charge me 400 dollars to install. I did it myself for free, and it took me about 10 minutes.

Here is the TV while ON, showing my PS3 showing the preview screen for Megaman 9.

And here is Megaman, at Dr. Wily's stage. Look at that Hi-Def GLORY!

Andy McKee - Amazing Guitar Skills

This guy knows his stuff. Awesomesauce. Seriously, if you like it, check out his other stuff. I'm mesmerized by his playing.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

NaNoWriMo 2008!

So I'm going to try again this year. One novel, one month to write it.

I'm not sure what to write about yet, as I have 5 or 6 good ideas swimming through my head at any given moment. It'll probably be about an epic magical adventure with Bruce Lee. It'll be the dumbest most awesome story ever.

Ironically enough, it's taken me about an hour to complete this blog, which doesn't say much for my ability to put out 50000 words in a month.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008


Terminal cancer. As I watched the man, stomach seizing for oxygen, in the final throes of death, I wondered what was going through his head, if anything at all. The beeping of his O2 meter was erratic at best. Alarms were going off on several machines that were hooked in to him. I was distracted by his eyes, so sunken it was as if they shouldn't be there anyway. When I stepped into the room, they went wide as he stared into my very soul. What was it that he was trying to say to me as he twitched in his bed? The nurses were holding him down, but there was a pronounced motion as he tried to get to me, eyes wide with an unrecognizable emotion.

Two officers and the two nurses gathered around the bed to slip him into an orange jumpsuit. His writhing motions increased, but only briefly as the man quickly ran out of energy. His head rolled about his shoulders aimlessly in bursts. Whenever a new person walked into the room, no matter how brief their stay, his eyes would lock on, almost jumping out of the sockets, then he'd return to his nearly comatose state.

The ambulance arrived, taking an extended amount of time due to security constraints. The EMT's were soon escorted inside with their stretcher and equipment.

I approached the inmate, handcuffs in hand. As if in slow motion, the man's movement stopped, all movement, except for those glazed, yellow eyes. They slowly and surely zoned in on the handcuffs. His mouth opened in protest, all but two of his teeth missing due to past heavy meth use. He cried out with an inhuman, feral snarl, bits of mucous and vomit escaping every open orifice in his face. He tried to escape, tried to roll off of the bed, seized up, pulling his hands away from my own. Beads of sweat formed on his brow. He couldn't fight for long as fatigue would surely take over.

I grasped his clammy, cold wrist, and tightened the cuff, double locked it, and moved on to the second. Before I knew it, it was over. The nurses and EMT's placed his small, shriveled body onto the stretcher and wheeled him out.

The nurses cracked jokes.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

I significantly dislike "lol"

Not even kidding. It's a terrible phrase. Now, I'm not going to tell anyone what they should or should not do, as I am trying to shed that aspect of my nature, but seriously, stop saying lol, people.

Putting that aside, here is a poem I've been working on.

Twas in the beginning
upon a mountain high
where the figure of a woman
wouldst surely lie

Ye feel the morning dew
once it falls upon your skin
thou wouldst grasp her hand
and thence begin to spin

There is but one
who wouldst stand in thy way
The Count Von Braun
the greatest, they say

Thine experience says naught
for the work thou wilt do
requests fall upon deaf ears
they do not improve the view

Fill thine pack and prepare
for your journey is ahead
time shall grant thee requests
and weigh you down with lead

Round them up and send them out
such a hasty retreat
your day starts fresh
when you arise upon your feet

To gain the treasures that are needed
you must begin anew
find the one thing that will drive you
a special someone that you knew

Of course thine choice will be
the fairest maiden you have chosen
your trials must not be done in vain
else her love for you wilt be frozen.

I'm not much of a poet. I find prose to suit me much better, when I actually get the motivation so sit down and write. If anyone is interested, I have a short story I'll link. Right here.