Insanity

The only times I ever really doubt my sanity is when I'm on the verge of sleep. It's been a pretty common phenomenon for me to experience Hypnogogic hallucinations when I am falling asleep, and in the past year, they've increased in frequency.

Because of this, I tend to hear and "see" things that aren't there quite often. (I say "see" because my eyes are always closed, but I visualize them so vividly sometimes that I'm surprised when I have to open my eyes when I wake up.) For instance, I had a few hallucinations at work once, and I thought that inmates were escaping and creeping up on me to attack me. Then I woke up and realized I was hearing the clock ticking above me and it altered my perception.

Well, lately, I've been feeling things as I'm going to bed for the night, or getting up for the day. Yesterday morning I thought I spilled a jar of peanut butter on my shirt, and I was concerned with how to clean it off and if I could salvage any of it. I could really feel it on me though, that greasy peanut texture. I could smell and taste it. I woke up and realized I was just lying in bed. Then I started falling asleep and started hallucinating about peeing in the toilet and I woke up, afraid I might wet the bed (I didn't, by the way. Never once wet the bed, somehow.). Then I hallucinated again about holding an apple in my hand. All just as vivid as the last.

I rarely remember my hallucinations, but the past couple of days have been so frequent and disturbing that I've started wondering where the line is drawn between my conscious recollections and my unconscious wanderings. Again. I wondered a few months ago while I was dealing with the irritability associated with excessive sleepiness. You know, who am I if I am two different people depending on how tired I am.

The brain functions on many levels, and there are many levels that coexist psychologically as well. I'm wondering who I am at the core, beyond the irritable and lazy instinctual side of me, and beneath the complicated but confident exterior that functions from day to day.

Or do we even have a steady core at all? I'm reminded of the one and only book on cognitive psychology that I've ever read, "The Mind's I" that talks about such topics. Do we have a core that's just clouded by our minds, or are we the sum of our many layers?

Am I a brain? or, do I have a brain? If I were a book, would I be any single page? Any single explicit theme? Would I be the cover? Or would I be a chapter? Or a whole book?

Am I an eyeball? A brainstem? A collection of organs? A torso? A machine? A cluster of nerve endings?

It's all gray area for me right now. There is nothing solid to hold on to, yet at the same time, this nagging voice inside says it knows exactly who it is. This voice describes me more like a powerful computer, that just happens to have an old analogue monitor that takes a few minutes to warm up. Before it gets warmed up, it can only display a few colors, but once it's primed and ready to go, it has a great resolution and contrast ratio.

Did I just turn into a total nerd?

It's Official

Saw a specialist today, which netted me an official diagnosis. I have Narcolepsy.

Granted, it's not a serious case, and it shouldn't really interfere with my life unless it gets worse (which, I hear, does happen.).

This comes as a relief now because I was sick of not having a concrete answer regarding my sleepiness. I don't have to explain to everyone that "I show most of the major symptoms for narcolepsy but I haven't been properly diagnosed, so make sure I don't fall asleep." Now I can just say, "Ha! You can't fire me cause it's not my fault!"

So, doc said to keep taking my Provigil for a few weeks to see if it helps. Hopefully I won't succumb to tolerance. In the past week I've started falling asleep at work again while taking the drug, so the doctor recommended upping the dose until it works consistently. I have a feeling I'll end up taking like, 800 mg one night and still getting sleepy, which'll basically mean the drug is useless to me.

Not much else to say on the subject. I just have to learn to get over my frustrations when I can't remember waking up and shutting off my alarm and going back to bed. It's maddening waking up two or three hours after your intended wake time and finding your alarm to be shut off. (This just happened to me. I wanted to nap from 12 to 1, and I slept until 3:30).

My agenda for tonight (what's left of it) is to do my taxes and... I don't know what else. Take a hot bath maybe. My back is stiff. I need to recover my writing from an old hard drive from an old computer so I have more content to add to my new website.

Magic

See that? That's called Modafinil, and it's magic. I was prescribed this yesterday morning for my sleeping troubles (er... lack-of-sleeping-troubles trouble?) by a PA who basically didn't know anything about sleep disorders (she wanted to give me Ritalin, so I threw a pamphlet at her with the word "Provigil" on it (brand name of Modafinil.).).

Anyway, you can read about Modafinil here. Pretty neat stuff, slightly reduces the body's need for sleep, helpful for shift-work sleep disorder, helpful for sleep apnea and narcolepsy, helpful for seasonal depression, and the list goes on. The best part is that it only kills 6 out of every 17 million users.

The worst part? No generic variety is available until 2012 and the brand-name is quite expensive... affordable, but expensive.

I like not falling asleep at work though. That's a big plus for me.

Untitled

Just finished reading "Watchmen." It was surprisingly good. I remember first seeing the teaser trailer before seeing "The Dark Knight" this summer. I thought it took itself way too seriously. The whole tone of the trailer, the background music, the images on screen... Looked like it was filmed by a bunch of assholes.

However, the hype for this movie is pretty enormous, and the script was done in part by David Hayter, whom I have a slight man-crush on.

I ended up buying the graphic novel, and read it in three sittings. The book is incredible, really. It was a great reading experience, tugging at all of my emotions over the course of the story. At times I was angry and frustrated (particularly at Rorschach) and at other times, I was hopeful (Laurie and Nite Owl's relationship). A lot of unsuspecting things happened, and it was just really cool to read and see. My only complaint is that the last chapter was quite rushed. The course of events would have taken more panels and words to adequately describe anywhere else in the comic, yet it was rather condensed (Veidt's monologue at the end was cut considerably, as admitted by the authors.) and I would have appreciated more things to see.

Now that I got it out of the way though, I can concentrate more on my own writing. On that front, I've opened up a second blog that I may eventually buy (the domain name, I mean). The site is meant to showcase my writing, putting updates on the book, excerpts, older stories, etc. I figure this will be my personal thoughts blog, the other will be the business blog. When it's ready, I'll release it's glory upon my readership. Both of you.

However, I hit a small snag with the site. See, my old computer I had in college had a lot of my writing on it. Hundreds of haiku, a lot of poetry, and tons of ideas for new stories. I had the first chapter to a really cool post-apocalyptic dystopia story written out. I was quite impressed with it, but I didn't finish the second chapter because I didn't know enough about the Cold War to really flesh it out. At the time, I didn't do much for rough drafts, just outlining and the best final draft I could in the first go. I've since refined my technique by churning out more words and then sifting out the gold parts.

I've been writing a lot at work. Usually I have a few hours of downtime, inbetween security checks and such. I take lots of notes and write down passages of story as they come to me. It's really exciting for me to see this thing come together, because it's so much better than anything else I've written, and it's only a couple thousand words so far. I'm devoted to making this as thorough and detailed as possible, without being too hammed up and concise to enjoy (something I know my previous stories have suffered from.), so that's what the site is for. I'm going to release little bits of what I like, and then improve on it and release it and hopefully get feedback from people.

On a more personal front, it appears that I may have genuine Narcolepsy. I finally got my sleep study results, two months + after the fact. Paid twenty dollars just to have the doctor read them aloud to me. Waste of time and money really, but I did learn that my sleep test was normal, however the sleep study doctor dude said I exhibit symptoms of mild cataplexy, and when you take that into account of falling asleep at work, even while talking to people and filling out paperwork, it leans towards Narcolepsy and they're going to subject me to more tests probably in February. The 29th is my consultation with a specialist. Whoopie. I decided I can't risk my safety any longer and I scheduled another appointment for Monday to ask for a drug called Modafinil. It's used to treat excessive sleepiness and shift-work sleep disorder and seasonal depression disorder. Three things I kinda have right now. Normally I wouldn't ask doctor's for drugs, but the last thing I want is to be taken advantage of while I'm dosing off in a room of 100+ inmates (which happens regularly when I have to supervise the cafeteria... 4 out of 5 workdays a week.) or not being able to respond to an emergency because I'm nodding off and don't hear the radio. That's my justification, perhaps it's overexaggerated, but I'm sticking to it for now unless my conscience or something gets the better of me.

Let's see... Not much else to report. Been working out a few times a week, and I'm seeing noticeable results. I can bench more than I've ever been able to in my life, and I can kick higher and faster than ever before. My chest is bigger, but I haven't gained any weight. Must just be losing a little bit of the teeny layer of fat on my arms and stomach and replacing it with a little muscle. Not that I want to get really buff, mind you, I just want to be able to defend myself if I have to at work. I'm analyzing my workouts, reading up on workout methods and such, really refining what I do, but above all, I think I just need to eat more. If I didn't care about eating healthy, I could get by on less than 50 bucks a month in groceries, but now I pay probably over 100 for myself now. I'm never going to get out of debt that way though...

A week passed by

Seems the sleep study people lost my results. I'm just assuming that since I called them asking for my results and they went, "You seriously haven't gotten them yet?" and then still haven't called me back for a week.

Meanwhile, I'm still falling asleep at work and can't do anything to correct it that I'm aware of. From the couple people I've spoken to about it, I seem to exhibit a few symptoms of narcolepsy, a mild case for sure, but one that's affecting me nonetheless.

So yeah, bad night last night, up for 23 hours straight, falling asleep for most of it, started out in the upper 60s and ended in the lower 20s. A 40 degree drop in about 6 hours. You know, now that I think about it, it couldn't have been in the 20s. It wasn't cold enough, and it kept raining, not snowing. It was probably in the middle 30s.

Anyway, then I had trouble with some inmates not following orders, and so I wanted to dish out some relatively mild consequences, but my House Sergeant wasn't interested in it. I'm not sure if he did anything, but when he saw that I was getting frustrated at my standing, he told me to leave and go help some other officers outside the cell house. That wasn't really cool, and kinda exacerbated my frustration.

This is not to say that I was actually frustrated, just a bit annoyed. I was also not feeling well, being up so late and having so much caffeine in me that my heart rate was pumping at about 105 bpm, as opposed to the normal 60.

I hate to blame my inconsistencies and personal failures on something external like caffeine and lack of sleep. I really "should" have better self control, but I really "should" not anything. Should is merely hoping. I'll just not get as frustrated at my coworkers from now on.

I'm going to do some Tai Chi now (getting into it after watching a few videos. Makes me feel awesome.).

Also, if you want a good movie to watch that'll make you cry and give you long emotional nightmares, go see "Seven Pounds" with Will Smith and Rosario Dawson. It's fantastic.