At the lowest low

I went to the clinic today to get tested for mono. I'm not particularly worried about having it, but since I took half of a night off work the other day from feeling sick, I figured it would be a good idea to know for sure.

So, there I was, typically anxious as I typically am around your typical needle, just waiting around. The nurse does what every nurse does (tells me I have terrible veins that are being selfish with their precious precious blood.) and then squirms around with the needle until she can get some goodies. Well, I made it through the plasma part, and then she snapped off tubes and grabbed the one for blood (I guess? Never done a blood draw. The first tube had plasma-esque substance in it...).

As she brought the tube to the needle, I felt my vision getting hazy, and I remember saying, "I'm starting to pass out." She told me I needed to relax, and to take a deep breath.

Normally, when I need to relax, be it for meditation or to sleep or just to calm down, I will recite the Norse Alphabet. It's something I've picked up in the last couple years and it usually works pretty well. The first few letters are Fehu, Uruz, Thurisaz, and Ansuz, which are parallel to the Phonetic F, U, TH, and A.

Anyway, I remember taking a deepish breath, then saying in my head, "FEH--"

Next thing I know, I have a mind-numbing headache. That's the first thing I remember. Then I felt that slight tingle at the end of my penis that is familiar to all men who ever urinate. I tightened up my urethral and anal sphincters, then I took a deep breath and said, "I passed out."

Somehow, I managed to avoid vomiting. (I don't think the Dinner Pizza would have tasted as good on the flipside.) Almost immediately, I began cracking jokes, lightening the mood, my mood, trying to feel better. I was tingling uncomfortably all over, my head was swimming, I wanted to barf, I had to keep peeing...

The nurse didn't get much blood. She told me I snored in my sleep for a few seconds, and that the amount of blood she got during that time was probably enough, but we will see after she sends in the samples to the laboratory.

When it comes down to it, I'm really fucking scared right now. The humiliation, the sick feeling, the horror of not being able to handle something as pathetic as a little needle. Dammit I feel like a piece of shit. I punch walls for fun! That hurts more than the stupid needle, so why the anxiety?

Moreover, how can I ever amount to the kind of man I look up to if I can't handle the things they take in stride? On a deep personal level, I feel like I've hit a wall that I don't know how to climb. I feel like I have a part of me I can't control that will never be as focused and determined as I want it to be, and that it's dragging me down.

I'm afraid to go to sleep, which I wanted to do an hour ago...