The Most Retarded Trip

Surprisingly, I am alive and well. I'm so surprised that I am actually wondering how I made it to today without so much as a scratch upon my delicate supple man-skin.

Where do I start? I put in for a vacation several weeks ago at work so I could see my family in Utah. Unfortunately, my older brother couldn't make it, but I got to see my parents and grandparents at least. It's been awhile, so it was worth it all.

Anyway, Sunday morning on the 22nd of March at 8:19 AM, Curtis and I were done packing and hopped in the car to make our trip. The Mapquest estimate was around 19 hours and we figured we could do it in one go, trading off periodically. We got a late start because Curtis spent the entire night looking for the car keys that I accidentally kept in my pocket. I ended up needing Rachel to pick me up from work so I could get home to produce viable engine-starting keys.

So, we had a two-hour delay there, but that wasn't a big deal. We took off on the drive, the very bumpy, vibratory drive. You see, my front passenger side rim is bent beyond repair, and caused the car to vibrate at roughly the rate of rotation. I would find out later that this vibration was not actually caused entirely by the rim damage, but from the rear wheels with axle damage causing the wheels to wear unevenly as if I locked up the wheels going 100 mph and wearing only one particular section of each wheel. Since the wheels were slightly different sizes due to their differing amounts of wear, the vibration came and went at regular intervals and moved from side to side... The car ride was bumpy, is what I'm saying.

We got through Kansas and most of Colorado with no incident. Curtis and I talked and sang songs and had a good time. I took a nap and then we got some gas. We did great on mileage, averaging around 39 mpg the whole way.

Then we got to the first mountain. My car couldn't handle the incline, so I did it all in 3rd gear, going about 30 mph the whole way to the summit, then rolling down the 8% grade in 4th gear to limit my speed to 60 so I didn't fly off the cliffs or crash into the car riding their brake the entire way just in front of me.

Then a deer headbutted my driver's side window. See, one jumped out in front of me, to which I replied, "OH CRAP OH CRAPOHCRAPCRAPCRAP!" I managed to avoid his delicious posterior and swerved slightly to continue on, when his little buddy decided to literally headbutt my window. I looked to the left to just catch his snout smearing snot and saliva across the glass pane. In my rear-view mirror I saw him trot off into the brush, satisfied with his stunt. He probably high-fived his buddy just out of sight.

So I checked my wheels again next time I got gas, and saw that the rear tires were wearing pretty fast. It was too late to get new ones at a tire store or at walmart, so I just decided to push forward. Curtis drove again and I tried to sleep, but I couldn't cause it was dark and we were climbing yet another mountain with cliffs and I just got a little nervous. We ended up in Grand Junction later than expected where we took a quick pee break and then continued to march forward. Onward ever onward.

We passed Green River, Utah with two gallons of gas left. The nearest gas station, which I didn't realize at the time, was about 100 miles away. We climbed yet another fricken' mountain, then saw that we would not make it to the safety of a few gallons of petroleum distillate. But glory be, the wafaring angels sang and behold, a sign appeared!

"GAS FOOD NEXT EXIT"

We pull off, rejoicing at our luck, then immediately cursing our fate...

"GAS 21 MILES NORTH"

Somehow, I've been blessed with extreme luck. You see, I have a 10 gallon gas tank in my Corolla. When we rolled in to Ferren, Utah, I somehow managed to put 10.24 gallons of Dubya Juice into the money hole of fuel.

Hour long detour there, 3 hours behind our normal schedule... Then another mountain to climb, while snowing. I hit the second worst snow storm of my life then, and managed to drive the rest of the way to St. George unable to see. Joy.

I passed 8 or 10 cars all parked, waiting out the storm. I just kept going.

Then we were in St. George.

Tune in next time for part 2. THE RECKONING!