gizzardgulpe

Day 30: Song(s) to play at my wake

2011-05-01T18:05:00.000-07:00

Here's five songs to play, but don't limit it to these, as every one previously listed are all aspects of what I like and dislike.

Highway to Hell

Stairway to Heaven

Yeah, unoriginal, that's okay. Here's something different.

Dio

Old Man (maybe more appropriate for my dad's eventual funeral, since I'll probably never have kids)

And... uh...

fuck it. Why not? Play this during some kind of slow procession during my funeral.

Day 29: A song that gives you the creeps

2011-04-30T17:48:00.000-07:00

Man, I'm such a visual person that this is a really difficult one to figure out. Songs don't stay with me. In the same sense that I don't listen to music to focus my emotion, I don't carry them with me afterwards. I don't often get a song stuck in my head to the point of frustration. I focus on songs that defy my expectations, and even focus on songs that fulfill all of my expectations (It's just as rare both ways).

So I have trouble hearing lyrics in songs and a lot of trouble remembering lyrics after a few months away from it. I think because I'm so good at short term memorization (got me through high school) that I can memorize a song in choir, or how I can memorize a script for a stage play, yet I couldn't tell you even a single line from a play that I was in years ago.

But songs that have well-defined aspects of my life are uncommon and very intriguing. The following song does not creep me out, but it illustrates very well what it was like dealing with depression during college. It almost creeps me out how easily I can link parts of my college experience with parts of the song through metaphor. The end of the song always makes me sad, but it's a positive kind of catharsis that I need once in a while.

Day 28: A song that needs never be heard again

2011-04-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Anything by Nickleback.

Especially Something In Your Mouth.

I imagine the song writing pitch went something like this:

"Hey! Now that we are rich and invincible, let's do a song about BLOWJOBS LOL!"

"HAHA! That sounds awesome, Chad Kroeger! But aren't you afraid that the overt sexuality will ruin our reputation?"

"NONSENSE! I have artistic subtlety! No one will even know what it's about. THIS PLAN CANNOT FAIL!"

They suck.

Day 27: A song in your FLAC folder no one else has

2011-04-28T17:38:00.000-07:00

Can't link it if no one else has it. Herp a derp on this meme thing.

I like the following song.

Day 26: Favorite music video

2011-04-27T17:31:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I've been linking music videos this whole time... And how do we even define music video?

I'll just link more DragonForce:

Nevermind: (cartoon violence and nudity to follow)

Day 25: Favorite song of 2011 so far

2011-04-26T17:28:00.000-07:00

No brainer:

Day 24: Favorite cover song

2011-04-25T17:20:00.000-07:00

Easy. Well... damn... I have two by the same band that are my favorites.

The video is pretty awful. I don't want to see that guy lip-sync. I also hate them live.

But, the second:

I cannot adequately express how much better that cover is than the original. Again, however, and for different reasons, that video is awful.

Oh crap! I just remembered my OTHER OTHER FAVORITE cover:

That guy is pretty great.

Day 23: Favorite Duet

2011-04-24T17:15:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get all of these songs down in one sitting, and it's taking way too long already, but since reddit is semi-down, I guess I'll manage.

Favorite duet...

I sang Come What May with me then-girlfriend, Angie, in high school, and have always liked it. But I dunno if it's my favorite.

My newest favorite, or perhaps CURRENT favorite is:

Day 22: Favorite song from a movie

2011-04-23T17:11:00.000-07:00

This was tricky for about two minutes, but I always think fondly of the final battle song in the final Matrix movie. The movie by itself was cool, I thought, but as a trilogy, I could have done with less biblical allegory and more dystopia. More sense also. Less Keanu.

Hey, wasn't the military guy in the last Matrix the same dude in Dollhouse? The black guy? I can't be bothered to look it up right now.

Day 21: A song that makes you want to break stuff

2011-04-22T04:56:00.000-07:00

This was the first song to ever bug me, though today, it's just chuckle worthy. Unfortunately, my sister loved this movie growing up and they play this song about two hundred times in the 90 minute film.

http://youtu.be/xzedc7yRy2E#t=03m18s

Day 20: My favorite breakup song

2010-10-30T04:11:00.000-07:00

Huh, off-hand, I don't really know. I've never been one to listen to any song compulsively that I relate to real life. You know, I don't listen to angry music to vent my frustration at work, I don't listen to John Denver and really wish I was on a mountain momma, I don't listen to emo music to cut myself and be a wimp. I'm pretty much an any music any time person.

http://music.skinnywhitechick.com/track/neptune

Here is a really good breakup song that doesn't seem too breakupy at first listen.

Day 19: My favorite love song

2010-10-29T16:07:00.000-07:00

This one is a tie between:

and

although the second is really cheating...

Day 18: An instrumental song I like

2010-10-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

Oh my, another vastly open category of song... I could list anything by John Petrucci or Tommy Emmanuel, or Lawson Rollins. But here is something off the wall because I do that sort of thing.

I played this in high school. It's comedy for music geeks and people who like physical humor.

Day 17: The last song in your FLAC folder

2010-10-27T16:57:00.000-07:00

Again, not near my computer (which really has very little music on it, surprisingly) so here's another cool song that I feel like linking cause I just thought of it.

Day 16: The first song in my MP3 folder

2010-10-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

The mp3 folder is slowly becoming a FLAC folder cause I'm stuck up like that, but since I don't have my normal computer with me, I'll just link you to this song.

http://www.chrisdaneowens.com/video/shine_flash.html

Day 15: A song I liked in high school

2010-10-25T17:43:00.000-07:00

Out of the billion to choose from, I guess...

Yes.

Come to think of it, if you haven't seen this movie before, this video makes no sense whatsoever.

Day 14: A song from the year I was born

2010-10-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen Kenny Loggins's beard? It is amazing.

Day 13: A song I sing in the shower

2010-10-23T17:31:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, a toughy... probably.

See, I get songs stuck in my head all the time, so any given shower can have any song to be sung... within, I guess.

So, this was today, for instance. Great shower song.

Day 12: A song that makes me want to have sex

2010-10-22T17:29:00.000-07:00

This is a no-brainer.

And you know when I'm down to just my socks it's time for business that's why they call it "Business Socks."

Day 11: A song that reminds you of your mother

2010-10-22T05:23:00.000-07:00

I was on a family road trip back when this album became popular. I drove a pretty good length, all while my mom belted along with Amy Lee. It was fun, and a rare moment when everyone in the car enjoyed the same music.

Day 10: A song that reminds you of your father

2010-10-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vef03k5i8VI&ob=av2n

I just turned 24. Seems surreal, but that's not the point, I know. Still, brings about another little psychological connection that interlaces emotions and memories.

Sweet guitar part, too.

Day 9: A song that reminds you of an ex

2010-10-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sVnKcVOBz0c&ob=av2n

I sang that to my girlfriend in high school cause I was young and juvenile and unable to restrain my emotions. She didn't think there was a song in the world about a girl named "Angie" and I proved her wrong. I earned my first non-maternal boobie touch that way.

High five, mates.

High five, Rachel.

Day 8: One band who's popularity you will never understand

2010-10-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

In a world of rising neo-conservatism, you'd think a song that appeals to rednecks by romanticizing alcoholism and promiscuity would eliminate any semblance of popularity, but nope.

Rain makes corn. Corn makes whiskey. Whiskey makes my baby feel a bit frisky. Rain, it's a good thing.

It's borderline date-rape. And retarded.

2010-10-18T03:20:00.000-07:00

I don't drink much, but holy hell am I a light weight.

To be fair, I am borderline drunk right now, and I plan to have a big glass of water and a sandwich after posting this, but wow. I am dizzy.

Years of negative reinforcement about drinking has led me to believe that the moment you take a sip, the moment you become an alcoholic. Logically, I know this is incorrect. Emotionally, I still hang on, just a little bit.

So here I am, having finished a gin and cranberry juice (maybe two ounces of gin?) and I feel a mix of awful and awesome, and my head is swimming. I can't hold my liquor. I know. Rachel teases me about it, but... it's true.

I think the only reason I seem to have any sense of clarity left is because I'm so paranoid about alcoholism that I am consciously doing double-duty in the thought-department to double check what I say and how I say it. In fact, I sent an email to the pornhub webmasters a few minutes ago to remove a typo on their site. I loves me some good grammar, and I don't know if that's a bad thing. I just can't look away sometimes.

My face is hot, feels swollen, my stomach burns, my shins tingle, every time I turn, there is a delay in my vision. Weird.

But it isn't all about me. I mean, it's my blog, yeah, it's all about me in a roundabout way, but life is not all about me. The way I communicate to the world contains more "should"'s than is necessary, in my opinion. But how else does one communicate, other than sharing the random opinions he/she has and thinly disguising them as news.

I will admit, the above paragraph is where my drunken mind has wandered. I thought briefly about Amanda Knapp and her fatness, and excluded it-- oh wait, here it comes. (this is funny, right?)

Amanda Knapp had a crush on me in middle school and now she is incredibly fat.

That is all.

Good for her.

The fatty. My wife is so much sexier. I love her.

And surprisingly not in a jealous kind of way. I'm not sure why that would be surprising in any way, but I used the word because I thought it would either be funny enough or casually over-used enough to go unnoticed and make the corners of the readers mouth curl up.

My lips are... numb. I had to lick them to think of the word. Wow, this has got to be the drunkest I've been on my own. I should go into a chatroom so I won't be drinking alone.

Is this dangerous behavior? Drinking alone while I work on a computer and type up a blog post that maybe no one will see? I'll show Rachel, cause that's the natural course of things, but as far as drinking alone, will the payoff be worth the possibly self-destructive behavior? My stomach burns.

Jeez, am I getting drunker? I swear, that last paragraph was the hardest to type without incessant misspellings...

So, dear potential readership (I say "potential" as if I plan to not post this. Who am I kidding? I want to be a show-off in my drunkenness!), I must bid you adieu. (That was weird, in a brain pattern way. When I typed "adieu" I knew that the vowels were on my left hand (dvorak keyboard) but I couldn't remember which finger to use, so I tried them all and hit backspace a lot. So, my fine motor skills are shot, it seems, but the lower level processes work well enough, and all of the common typing patterns surface with ease. When I type a word that I am unfamiliar with, I have to think about it, and things like specific keys and fingers disappear... Alcohol is a fascinating drug.) I need to eat something and have some water before this gin kills my stomach lining.

Bye

Day 7: One band you are ashamed to admit you like

2010-10-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Puffy_AmiYumi

You can youtube them, but... you might not want to.

Day 6: Your favorite band

2010-10-16T16:53:00.000-07:00

This is a toughy. I mean, AFI is the first to come to mind, though I've already covered them and they were my favorite band but not anymore. Favoritism waxes and wanes more often than the moon, so here is a band I loved until two of them bailed and the creativity suffered.

Day 5: Favorite female singer

2010-10-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

Kay, I lied. Favorite (gender) singer is not that hard to identify. I just couldn't think of a male singer. On the female side, however, I cannot imagine a more favorite-esque woman bard than SJ Tucker.

Her website streams all of her stuff. Go there.

http://music.skinnywhitechick.com/album/mischief

Day 4: Favorite male singer

2010-10-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

Really, this song is too broad for me to answer seriously.

Day 3: A song that makes you dance

2010-10-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

Neo-Disco band, the Scissor Sisters, make me want to dance like a drag queen.

Day 2: A song that makes you cry

2010-10-12T16:30:00.000-07:00

A little background on the character this song is themed for:

Solid Snake, the main character of most Metal Gear games, is an ex-Army badass who finds out that he is a clone of a near super-human man called Big Boss because he is just that. He's the biggest boss. So, Solid Snake, upon finding out that he is the inferior clone to this guy that he actually killed several years previously, goes on to save the world from a nuclear weapon.

Ten years later, at around 50 years old, he looks like he's 80 and feels much older.

Turns out that the scientists that participated in the cloning actually altered his DNA to make him rapidly age and die an early death to minimize a secondary cloning. He would die a miserable early death in the name of government secrecy.

So he saves the world again, and quits smoking.

This song embodies the crushing misery of living a life devoid of hope outside what you create for yourself.

Day 1: Favorite Song

2010-10-11T16:20:00.000-07:00

I'm doing this song a day bullshit thing that is trendy right now, but not really because I'm trying to be trendy (when have I ever been trendy?) but because I really have to rack my brain for some of these.

Excessive adverbs aside, I plan to keep this up to the best of my ability. Here is day 1, my favorite song.

AFI changed my life, and I'm not shy to explain it. In 2001, shortly after their album, "The Art of Drowning" was released, I was on a bus to a music festival in Wyoming. Freshman year of high school. Good times.

Anyway, the most attractive girl in the tri-state area asked me if I knew this group, and I may have wet myself a little. Wet myself with copious amounts of charisma, I imagine. She let me listen to her CD, and I realized that there were musicians in the world that never made the top 40 charts.

Ever since then, I've been interested in things left out of the public eye, and it's led me to some great media, great philosophies, and great friends. Things that I may never have found if not for the sound of a thrashing guitar and nonsense lyrics blowing my mind at such a critical age.

This isn't the greatest song of all time, and if I think too long about it, it isn't even my favorite, but it's always the first to hit my mind when asked, "what's your favorite song?"

PS3 Shenanigans pt 3

2010-04-20T16:35:00.000-07:00

This is it. Frankenstation MK. 3.

It runs quite well for about two hours. Since there is no cooling mechanism, it overheats eventually and shuts down. I have to wait for the oil to cool and it runs again, so at this point I just need a pump and radiator and I'll be in full working business.

PS3 Shenanigans Pt2

2010-04-13T06:23:00.000-07:00

Nope, this project has NOT died a slow and painful death. It has survived!

So, that's the motherboard.

And that's the old heatsink that was super-faulty.

And that's the super-big hole I cut to make room for the new--

super-better metal heatsink. Don't mind the little marks, that's just thermal grease that I cleaned off later.

I hit a pretty big snag here though. See, I drilled two holes in the heatsink to use some screws to connect the heatsink to the processor.

Then one of them sheared off. Inside the heatsink.

One screw held though, so I didn't give up hope. I set it up, put a fan on it, and turned it on for just a second to eject my brand new copy of Final Fantasy 13.

Voila! Success!

Right now I'm in the process of waiting for the local farm store to resupply it's stock of mineral oil (I bought them out last night) and then I'll post the exciting conclusion!

PS3 Shenanigans Pt. 1

2010-03-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

So, the Playstation 3, bane of my time spent best elsewhere, and home theater champion, has crapped out on me, again. This is actually the third time THIS system has died on me (I got a replacement about six months ago when my first one died.).

Since Sony refuses to replace it for free, I am left with little choice but to fix it on me own. And I have done so twice now. The yellow light of death is a symptom of a cracked solder on the Cell processor. It's a microscopic crack due to either over heating, or uneven heating. To fix it, you heat up the processor to about 700 degrees F and it melts and reforms, then solidifies as it cools, allowing the proper connections to be made and maintained.

That is, unless your heatsink has two gouges in it from faulty manufacturing. Like mine.

The original heatsink will repeatedly cause this problem for me no matter how much thermal grease I put on there, and no matter how cool I keep the system. It's going to heat unevenly and cause differing rates of expansion along the surface. The constant uneven (oxymoron?) shrinkage and expansion will only serve to ruin my goodies.

Solution? New heatsink. Added awesomeness? Playstation 3 submerged in a bath of mineral oil.

Heck. Yes.

Check out this video for an idea of what I'm doing:

Except with a Playstation instead. I have most of the materials assembled: Fish tank, heatsink, fan, plan... Once I decide how to mount the generic PC heatsink to the proprietary Cell processor, and then buy five gallons of mineral oil, I'll get started for realzies.

Pics included.

I have a lot of thanks for Rachel, who has been absolutely fantastic in supporting this ridiculous endeavor. She drove me to Wichita twice now to get parts, and also gave me a pep talk when I felt like it wasn't going to work.

Dvorak anyone?

2010-03-11T16:18:00.000-08:00

Been trying to learn this Dvorak keyboard for a few days now. I'm probably up to twenty words per minute now, if I'm concentrating hard. It's killer, slowing myself down like this, but hopefully it'll pay off with a boosted typing speed eventually. Now i'm bored, having spent my time resisting the urge to look at the keys...

Interesting Night

2010-02-25T01:04:00.001-08:00

So I was sick of being on the computer. I needed to get up and do something, so I went to Walmart to grab some toilet paper and milk. As I was walking into the store, there was a gentleman standing outside, smoking a cigarette. I decided to give him a cool, casual nod of acknowledgment on my way in, but when I looked up to do so, he was looking down at a piece of paper in his hand, so I just went on my way.

After a few minutes of carefully price matching toilet paper brands (12 double rolls for $5.97 or 24 standard rolls for $6.07?) and then snatching up a half gallon of 2% ($1.87), I strolled gently up to the cash register and bribed the Walmart cashier into letting me steal everything I was carrying.

As I skipped merrily into the bitter freezing cold, the gentleman from before walked up to me and said, "Hey man, I need some help."

In my head I said, "Oh shit, I'm getting mugged. Just what I need." I steeled my balls, balled my fists of steel, and gave him a steely gaze then said, "Sup dude, whatchya need?"

He asked if I could give him a ride to Wichita. The person that drove him from Wichita to good old El Dorado left him there because he refused to give the driver a sexual favor.

I said, "Eh, why not? That's my car."

So we got in, and I drove him to Wichita. He called the guy who basically kidnapped him and said, "Hey man, Imma call the police on yo ass." Then he turned to me and said, "How do you hang up with this phone? That one? No, uh, that one, yeah, there we go."

I asked him where we were going and he said, "Oh, on Broadway, down by the Central Business District."

And I thought, "Oh shit, I'm getting mugged. That's just what I need."

We had a pleasant conversation and I dropped him off at a motel in Wichita. When we stopped, I looked around for his friends who would inevitably rob me and possibly shoot me. He asked me what I wanted in return for the ride. I said, huh? He said, "What do I owe you?" and I said, "Oh, I just wanted a blow job."

And he gave me the most amazing look in the world. It was like, I could see the words behind his eyes, saying, "That is just what I fuckin' need." I honestly couldn't keep a straight face after seeing that look in his eyes. I laughed, then said, "Ha, man, I'm just messing with you. I don't want anything."

So he shook my hand and we both bid each other safe journeys and I drove home. The end.

As best I can tell, this is what happened to him (We'll call him Tony): Tony was at a party with some friends in Wichita, probably drinking a little, and when it came time to head out, he got a ride from someone there that he didn't really know. The guy drove Tony to El Dorado and told him he had to give him a blow job if he wanted a ride back. Tony said, "hell no, I'll just get a ride from one of my friends. Let me borrow your phone." So he called his friend gave the phone back and got out of the car, then wrote down the license plate number. When Tony got into Walmart, he called his friend back on the payphone and got the caller ID number from the kidnapper. A few minutes later, I showed up and gave him a ride home. Tony told me he would report the incident to the police, but if he met the kidnapper before the police caught him, he would "knock him out."

An Interesting Night

Coolest Dream

2010-02-20T15:11:00.000-08:00

During my ritualistic eight-hour sleep cycle, I envisioned a series of images that played out in succession to form which came to me in the sense of a moving picture. I believe the archaic term is "movie-film".

In this Mental Film of sorts, I saw myself with BRUCE LEE, brought back by the power of SCIENCE. We traveled together to avoid slaughter by the GOOSE CORPORATION, who wanted BRUCE dead. Since Bruce and I did not want him DEAD, we decided to be totally BADASS and HIDE.

There was a CHICK in this vision as well, and she was BRUCE'S new girlfriend, cause I guess he was no longer interested in LINDA LEE CALDWELL. She's OLD now.

ANYWAY, after a few intense scenes of running from GOOSE AGENTS, we decided to CAMP OUT in a luxurious hotel to avoid being recognized. UNFORTUNATELY, BRUCE'S newfound LOVE was captured and KILLED off screen.

BRUCE taught me a cool JEET KUNE DO move, and explained that the BASICS of all martial arts are ALL YOU NEED, because you can BUILD from there and KICK ASS by being like WATER. (I still recall this attack post-consciousness that he demonstrated on me and can replicate it.)

At some point, we flew through a DESERT RAVINE on a BIPLANE. Then stole a FERRARI. Unfortunately, that EPIC CHASE SCENE was too much for my BRAIN to handle, and I promptly FORGOT it.

So then BRUCE and I infiltrated a WALMART, to buy some PUTTY STUFF to try and make a cast of his REANIMATED FACE for SOME REASON. I warned him not to buy any cause the GOOSE AGENTS might have POISONED it.

We left WALMART, and sat down to talk. BRUCE asked me, "What do you want to do with YOUR LIFE." I told him, "I want to be special forces. Like, military, or SWAT." To which he replied, "Special forces?" and I said, "Yeah, but my martial arts skills aren't up to par." And I was afraid to ASK HIM to TRAIN me. Then my ALARM CLOCK woke me up.

Man, Bruce Lee.

Groceries

2010-02-04T03:10:00.000-08:00

I've declared the month Frugal February, or possibly Parsimoniuary: The month of frugality. To start it off right, I spent $188 on groceries just now which had better last until March, or so help me I'll just quit the whole eating thing. Groceries are for chumps, fool.

This month I want to really buckle down and save some money. I think I've gotten a little carried away with the extra cash I have on hand these days since I moved and paid off my car, and as a result have grossly over-indulged in eating out and going to the theater. I love going to the theater in Wichita, but it costs at least 12 bucks a visit, since I usually pay for Rachel, and that's the matinee cost, which is hard for me to get to since I sleep all day, so we end up paying 9 each.

And then we have to buy dinner afterwards or before or whatever, and that's anywhere from 6 to 30 dollars, depending on how fancy we want it.

And dare I go into my book buying sprees? I have somewhere around twenty new books laying around and not getting read, because I buy lots of--

Video games. My PS3 died again, and Sony wouldn't fix it for free (they wanted 180 dollars), so I fixed it on my own for $35. In the meantime, I totalled up how much I've invested just in video games. Over 2k. Just in PS3 games and accessories. I don't even want to think about how much I payed for the gamecube and PS2 and PC games sitting here on my shelf.

But I don't regret any of it. The games make a good hobby, and it's good socialization with a couple people I know in real life yet can't see regularly. I just need to cool it and pay off my credit card, then get a security fund and start really saving for the future and an abundance of artillery for the 2012 apocalypse. Cause when the Illuminati come knocking at my door, I want to be the guy with the bigger gun so I can blow his brains out, asking questions later, of course.

*sigh* I've had a hankering for a little debate mischief with a dude who posted the most ridiculously idiotic anti-gun-control diatribe on his facebook wall. However, after I psychoanalyzed his desire for destruction due to his parent's divorce and his ensuing struggle with uncontrollable circumstances and the following love for ensuring his dominance over all things smaller than him, then it just became too sad to try and bring up. Poor guy.

I quit my Lexapro about 3 weeks ago. Maybe 4 now. Same thing happened to me this time as last; I've been freaking out. Best way to explain it is, when I take the drug, whatever the reason (this last time to try and regulate my sleeping habits), my mind becomes conditioned to handling stimuli in a certain way. Impulses get redirected and though you can't really see it on the outside, my persona changes just a little on the inside.

So when the drug is gone, the stimuli hits me and I instinctively react in a certain way, have an emotional response, and then get the opportunity to interpret the stimuli more objectively. The trouble is, that objectivity is sometimes influenced by the hormones that were released because of the emotional response.

For example, I wrote a short piece on my other blog, a writing exercise where two characters resolve a conflict. I asked Rachel how it was and she said it "was a little first-drafty."

Now, I wouldn't call it my finest work, but I was happy with it. It wasn't a first draft, but it was a single-sitting piece. I went over it about three times in an hour and called it good.

The stimuli, her comment "first-drafty" hit me like a truck and really upset me. So I had this stress reaction, the hormones flowed and I got pissy. For a minute or two, I couldn't think of a positive thing to say about her and I thought about trashing her work as revenge. But then, that instinctual reaction waned and I could calm down and take a step outside of myself and say, "Look, she didn't mean anything harsh. She just said it could use some work. You like improving your writing, don't you? Yeah. Then calm down and talk to her about it."

Before I went on the drug, this wouldn't have been an issue. During my time on the drug, this wouldn't have been an issue. Three weeks after quitting it? Yeah, it's an issue. Everything is an issue. I've been a major rollercoaster of emotion lately, experiencing the whole range: Ecstacy, joy, contentment, boredom, anger, depression, sometimes all of them in a short period of time. It's been rough, but I think I'm moving up. Shopping tonight seemed to make me feel like I'm not doing so poorly after all.

Funny, I'm still alive

2009-12-31T18:29:00.001-08:00

A year has come and gone. I don't really think much of the new year. To me, it's just another day. The birthday, now that's my new year. That's the time when I think back at everything I've done and gone through and then decide if it was worth anything. I feel that this year has been a great one for me.

I've been to three Off-Broadway Musicals. Les Miserables, that crappy one about... Vietnam? It's based off of Madam Butterfly. Miss Saigon, that's it! And Wicked, which was by far the best.

I have become infatuated and beyond with Rachel. Good times there.

I have nearly completed my third novel, this time with more words! And plot twists!

I was just selected as the Officer of the Quarter at work. Premium parking for three months and a cool plaque!

I got a bed. And a couch. And a tv.

I drove through the worst blizzard of my life and survived without incident.

I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy. Had my first episode of Sleep Paralysis about a month or two ago.

I started playing Magic: The Gathering.

I bought one gun, and was gifted another, and awesome one from my father.

I gained nearly twenty pounds.

I made some good chili.

That's about it. It's just been great, even with the bad parts. Everything seems to be falling into place, not that I haven't worked for a lot of it, but it's almost like the universe finally got sick of me being so boring all the time. Though, I suppose I am still boring to some people, like that douche at work that hates his life so much that he has to insult my own. Poor dude.

NaNoWriMo again!

2009-11-08T14:20:00.000-08:00

NaNoWriMo is in full swing for me again, though I'm a bit behind from last year. I contribute that to how I've been writing. See, if I have some ideas at work and I decide to write up a page or two, I have to come home and type it up to the master manuscript. So I end up taking twice the time to write up the words for my story that I originally intended. Maybe I should just outline ideas at work and then type them up real quick at home.

Either way, I'm pumped about my story. Unlike last year, I have a clear direction and an idea of how it ends. And the very nature of the tale brings up a lot of deep questions regarding cognitive philosophy and the nature of humanity. I'm posting it on my wordpress blog as I go so if you want to check it out, it'll be there.

gizzardgulpe.wordpress.com

And on the second day

2009-10-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

we got in a car crash and died. The end.

We had a great vacation actually. The weather was perfect every day, the people and the food and the outdoors were all fantastic. I rode my first motorcycle, and gave Rachel a frightening ride around the block. I even got a bleeding blister on my big toe!

There was a little four-wheeling in the sand dunes and around the desert countryside and I got the flu and everything!

The worst part, easily, was the trip home. A few hours before we left my parent's house, I barfed so hard that the blood vessels in my eyelids burst. I spent the next 13 hours either in an airport, on a plane, or in a car feeling like crap. I'd call it the worst day of my life if Rachel weren't taking care of me. She was wonderful the whole time and did everything for me that I needed.

It was really nice to see my family even if it was only for a couple days. My dad gave me a rad gun and I can't wait to get it and shoot it some more here at home. I sighted it in and everything, so it shoots really well. I'm thinking of mounting a rack in the living room to put it on display. It's really a work of art with the engraving. Would make a great conversation piece.

And can I say how much I want a motorcycle right now? I'll have my car paid off next month, so I could easily finally have a bike this spring. I can't wait. I can't wait to pay off my car. How cool would that be?

Travel: Day 1

2009-10-11T16:24:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday, Rachel and I flew and drove to Utah. We drove from our little town to Oklahoma City airport (by far the cheapest place for us to fly out of) and waited around for a few hours before our flight. The plane was delayed because of some ice buildup on the wings and we missed the connecting flight from Denver to Las Vegas. So we hit Denver and waited around in the cold for a few hours, then on to Vegas, where my parents and brother picked us up. We drove down the strip (very crowded on Saturday night) and then drove to St. George. Everyone collapsed to bed.

I'm not a big flyer. I do it so rarely I haven't gotten comfortable with it, so I had a nonstop adrenaline rush for about nine hours. I hate that feeling. Rachel was really good company and didn't get upset. We spent a ridiculous amount of money on Chinese food in the airport.

A few good things though. I managed to type out two chapters to my upcoming book while bored in the airport. I also got an awesome birthday present from my Dad. He engraved a beautiful wood rifle stock with Native American petroglyphic marks and my name. He's had the rifle since I was a little kid and I've always wanted it, and now it's all personalized for me. Can't wait to go sight it in.

A potentially bad thing: I may have requested the wrong days off at work. Well, at least one. I got a few calls from my boss last night asking if I planned to show up at work. I called him back and told him I was in Vegas, so, no, I would not be showing up. I'm positive that I was approved for vacation last night, but I don't have a copy of that record with me right now. I'll have to wait until I get home to see if I accidentally screwed up...

Three Things AKA Forthcoming Autumn Pissiness

2009-10-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

1: A minor gripe, but still, who texts happy birthday to someone? Apparently all of my friends and family. I mean, I don't really care much for birthday celebrations, but if ten people are going to remember for once, is it wrong to expect even one of them to call and ask how I am? I seriously appreciate that people remembered (or saw the facebook notification) but if you care about my life and aren't just trying to save face, then call me. I promise I'm fairly pleasant to talk to and I like to make jokes about things.

2: Vandalism. It's not witty to rearrange the letters on a Salvation Army marquis to say "God hates goons and nigs". Let's try to be above the protesters that are not important enough for me to remember their name from Topeka that think God hates everyone. You're stupid, they're stupid, and all this hate is really bringing the world down. Go fuck yourself, haters.

3: Hey, Kansas drivers. Please learn to drive. If necessary, go back to driving school or driver's ed, or some equivalent to LEARNING TO DRIVE YOU IMBECILES. First off, if you pull out in front of me and I am forced to hit my brakes to avoid colliding with you, then you are a shitty driver. If an accident were to occur YOU WOULD BE AT FAULT. If you are at a stop sign, you are required to STOP until the road is CLEAR. Secondly, let me reiterate that a STOP sign means STOP until the road is CLEAR. If there is a pedestrian in the road, it is NOT clear. Do NOT go. Do NOT press your fungi-infested ingrown-toenailed hairy-ass foot onto the accelerator when there is a PERSON in the ROAD. If you hit me, YOU ARE AT FAULT. I CAN SUE YOU. I WILL SUE YOU. I WILL ALSO KICK YOU IN THE BALLS AND FACE. YOU MORON.

[/rant]

Money Bag

2009-10-01T05:06:00.000-07:00

I like metal money. Seriously, it's super cool and not many people use it. It's totally eco-friendly because coins don't get destroyed as easily as paper money. Also, it's totally rad to throw a money bag at someone as payment for something while you turn into the sunset, smoking a cigarette and never looking back. I'm talking about a badass money bag like this one:
How cool is that! I just cut up some old footie pajamas that didn't fit me, lined it with a piece of black cloth and used an elastic hair-piece to seal it off and now I'm the proud owner of a SMALL WALLET. It holds 99 rupees.
Someday when I try to purchase the red tunic I might need to track down an ADULT MONEY BAG.
But with only 27 dollars in Gold Dollars and Silver Half-dollars, I think the regular wallet will be fine. Someday I may get a GIANT WALLET to store up to 999 rupees!

Insanity

2009-09-13T04:52:00.000-07:00

The only times I ever really doubt my sanity is when I'm on the verge of sleep. It's been a pretty common phenomenon for me to experience Hypnogogic hallucinations when I am falling asleep, and in the past year, they've increased in frequency.

Because of this, I tend to hear and "see" things that aren't there quite often. (I say "see" because my eyes are always closed, but I visualize them so vividly sometimes that I'm surprised when I have to open my eyes when I wake up.) For instance, I had a few hallucinations at work once, and I thought that inmates were escaping and creeping up on me to attack me. Then I woke up and realized I was hearing the clock ticking above me and it altered my perception.

Well, lately, I've been feeling things as I'm going to bed for the night, or getting up for the day. Yesterday morning I thought I spilled a jar of peanut butter on my shirt, and I was concerned with how to clean it off and if I could salvage any of it. I could really feel it on me though, that greasy peanut texture. I could smell and taste it. I woke up and realized I was just lying in bed. Then I started falling asleep and started hallucinating about peeing in the toilet and I woke up, afraid I might wet the bed (I didn't, by the way. Never once wet the bed, somehow.). Then I hallucinated again about holding an apple in my hand. All just as vivid as the last.

I rarely remember my hallucinations, but the past couple of days have been so frequent and disturbing that I've started wondering where the line is drawn between my conscious recollections and my unconscious wanderings. Again. I wondered a few months ago while I was dealing with the irritability associated with excessive sleepiness. You know, who am I if I am two different people depending on how tired I am.

The brain functions on many levels, and there are many levels that coexist psychologically as well. I'm wondering who I am at the core, beyond the irritable and lazy instinctual side of me, and beneath the complicated but confident exterior that functions from day to day.

Or do we even have a steady core at all? I'm reminded of the one and only book on cognitive psychology that I've ever read, "The Mind's I" that talks about such topics. Do we have a core that's just clouded by our minds, or are we the sum of our many layers?

Am I a brain? or, do I have a brain? If I were a book, would I be any single page? Any single explicit theme? Would I be the cover? Or would I be a chapter? Or a whole book?

Am I an eyeball? A brainstem? A collection of organs? A torso? A machine? A cluster of nerve endings?

It's all gray area for me right now. There is nothing solid to hold on to, yet at the same time, this nagging voice inside says it knows exactly who it is. This voice describes me more like a powerful computer, that just happens to have an old analogue monitor that takes a few minutes to warm up. Before it gets warmed up, it can only display a few colors, but once it's primed and ready to go, it has a great resolution and contrast ratio.

Did I just turn into a total nerd?

Battery acid + baking soda = foamy goodness

2009-09-04T17:04:00.000-07:00

My car broke down. I thought it was the ignition switch because of the finicky way it was acting and how the power was cutting in and out as I turned the key, but I found out today that it was just the battery terminals being corroded.

Surprisingly, there wasn't as much corrosion on the terminals as there was a month ago when I cleaned them, but I guess it built up inbetween the battery posts and the cable clamps where it didn't look serious. So I poured some baking soda water on there and watched it fizz and bubble, then I scraped them down with a wire brush and now I have a running vehicle again!

A running vehicle with expired plates...

In other news, dinner is about ready. Spaghetti with clam sauce and garlic bread.

I feel a little better now

2009-08-21T17:32:00.000-07:00

Rest is good.

At the lowest low

2009-08-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

I went to the clinic today to get tested for mono. I'm not particularly worried about having it, but since I took half of a night off work the other day from feeling sick, I figured it would be a good idea to know for sure.

So, there I was, typically anxious as I typically am around your typical needle, just waiting around. The nurse does what every nurse does (tells me I have terrible veins that are being selfish with their precious precious blood.) and then squirms around with the needle until she can get some goodies. Well, I made it through the plasma part, and then she snapped off tubes and grabbed the one for blood (I guess? Never done a blood draw. The first tube had plasma-esque substance in it...).

As she brought the tube to the needle, I felt my vision getting hazy, and I remember saying, "I'm starting to pass out." She told me I needed to relax, and to take a deep breath.

Normally, when I need to relax, be it for meditation or to sleep or just to calm down, I will recite the Norse Alphabet. It's something I've picked up in the last couple years and it usually works pretty well. The first few letters are Fehu, Uruz, Thurisaz, and Ansuz, which are parallel to the Phonetic F, U, TH, and A.

Anyway, I remember taking a deepish breath, then saying in my head, "FEH--"

Next thing I know, I have a mind-numbing headache. That's the first thing I remember. Then I felt that slight tingle at the end of my penis that is familiar to all men who ever urinate. I tightened up my urethral and anal sphincters, then I took a deep breath and said, "I passed out."

Somehow, I managed to avoid vomiting. (I don't think the Dinner Pizza would have tasted as good on the flipside.) Almost immediately, I began cracking jokes, lightening the mood, my mood, trying to feel better. I was tingling uncomfortably all over, my head was swimming, I wanted to barf, I had to keep peeing...

The nurse didn't get much blood. She told me I snored in my sleep for a few seconds, and that the amount of blood she got during that time was probably enough, but we will see after she sends in the samples to the laboratory.

When it comes down to it, I'm really fucking scared right now. The humiliation, the sick feeling, the horror of not being able to handle something as pathetic as a little needle. Dammit I feel like a piece of shit. I punch walls for fun! That hurts more than the stupid needle, so why the anxiety?

Moreover, how can I ever amount to the kind of man I look up to if I can't handle the things they take in stride? On a deep personal level, I feel like I've hit a wall that I don't know how to climb. I feel like I have a part of me I can't control that will never be as focused and determined as I want it to be, and that it's dragging me down.

I'm afraid to go to sleep, which I wanted to do an hour ago...

And then...

2009-08-20T02:16:00.001-07:00

Then I became one of those people who only updates his blog to tell people sorry for not updating enough... Yuck.

What to write? What has happened?

I most likely have mono. Rachel has it, and I kiss her pretty lots of the most of the time always, so even though I'm showing very mild symptoms, it could be just a sympathetic reaction, or maybe I just have a manly immune system.

I've read half of the Rurouni Kenshin series. Just finished volume 14 out of 26 or so.

My playstation should be coming back to me on Friday, completely fixed. I'll be relatively unhappy if it breaks again before I feel that my 150 dollar repair fee is justified. I wish I knew what the yellow light is for, cause if it's an overheating problem, I may get a cooling van for it so this won't happen when I try to run the machine for a month straight next time. I'm really big on Folding@Home and the PS3 does it really well, so I would do that when I wasn't playing. Then one day it just didn't turn on right, showing me this yellow light of doom... totally sucked.

Speaking of overheating, I now have to put frozen bratwurst on top of my video card to keep it cool while I play video games on my PC. It wouldn't last 10 minutes before I opened it up, put a 6 dollar walmart fan inside, and placed a brat on the GT8800. The problem is having a mini ATX case and motherboard, and a PSU with so many cords that they prevent all normal air circulation. I just need a bigger case, but I don't have 70 bucks to put up for it right now. Not after paying for the PS3. I guess PC upgrades are next on the list of things to do with my fun money.

Still working on my Iron Palm training. I ordered some Dit Da Jow but haven't gotten it yet. The stuff is supposed to help expedite the process of strengthening the tissue in the hands and wherever else you are trying to toughen. Most of my knuckles are healed up and showing improvement, but I think I really damaged my left index knuckle. Not seriously, I mean. It doesn't hamper my ability to do any day to day activities, but balling up a tight fist makes it ache a bit.

I can't think of much else right now. It's late and I need to clean before bed.

All healed up

2009-08-03T04:56:00.000-07:00

The finger is all healed. Unfortunately, I overdid my Iron Palm training today and bruised the knuckles on both of my hands. They'll swell up nicely.

Not much time to update. Need sleep.

Cut my fingernail off

2009-07-08T23:14:00.000-07:00

Yup. Trying to peel an orange with a vegetable peeler. Slice.

But then we saw this awesome sunset and I felt better.
For some inexplicable reason, I cannot get that image to flip horizontally. Bad luck. Anyway, there is a bit of a lightning strike in that picture, but it's hard to tell because the sun was hitting that part of the cloud while it struck. Was a great sunset and it reminded me a lot of that scene from Independence Day.

Now it's raining, but it's gentle and nice.

A world of adventure

2009-06-24T04:13:00.000-07:00

So the other day I went for a bike ride after work. I haven't really ridden my bike since August of last year when I was working graveyard shift at a restaurant and couldn't afford gas, but since I have the lucrative career as an inmate babysitter now, I can afford car things and therefore, do not require such a simple engineering ploy to get me around town.

Well, we have a bike trail in town that I figured I would go through since the morning was cool after a fresh rain. I found a bit of a downhill straightaway with awesome trees on either side, and I shifted into high gear to pick up speed.

Then I saw this mud puddle and hit my brakes.

Since this silt was on the outside of a rather sharp turn, I had no choice, nor did I have the reaction time to avoid it. So I hit it at around 25 kmh and did this.

So, when my tires hit the mud, they went off to the right, and my body pretty much kept going forward. Then when the tires hit the dry pavement, they righted themselves from my own bodily momentum. Mud flipped up along my leg, on my shirt, into my hair, and I came out of it perfectly fine, but much more careful about how fast I decide to go around blind corners after rainstorms.

Also, I'm finding my life to be getting off track a bit and it's affecting my relationships and work, so I'm going to attempt to start some weekly goals to give myself a sense of direction in my life. I'm going to start by updating this, and my other blog at least once a week. It's not much, but I'll work up from there.

Guitar: Impossible

2009-06-17T01:24:00.001-07:00

Not only is this a cool edit, but the second best part of the whole thing is him singing part of Business Time by Flight of the Concords, which is an amazing song in it's own right.

Front door Sentry

2009-06-08T16:18:00.001-07:00

Home defense/decor anyone?

That was Rachel's idea to creep out house guests. And to deter home invaders.

My superior marksmanship right there was done with a CZ-52 Pistol, featured here.

It kicks like a small rifle and shoots a Kevlar-penetrating bullet. Perfect for hostile government takeovers. Unfortunately, it only holds 8 rounds. Man, I could only take out like, 30 guys if they stood in line!

Ridiculousness aside, I really liked Rachel's suggestion, and it helps clean the place up by reducing the amount of sentimental junk lying around.

Computer set up

2009-06-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

All Moved!

2009-06-04T14:19:00.000-07:00

The house is still a mess, but this is it. I absolutely love it. It's the nicest place I've ever lived on my own in (as in, never lived with my parents in. The house in Lyman after the remodel was the nicest I've lived in.)

It's a one bedroom, with the cool doorways separating rooms. It's small, but not cramped at all. There is plenty of room for everything if I arrange it right. Rachel is doing an amazing job of making me unpack, without being pushy and annoying about it.

My favorite thing is that the apartment smells nice. Without being too much of a disappointment, I must say that it's a breath of fresh air.

Puns are the lowest form of humor. I know.

Greetings from Bethany, Missouri

2009-05-30T23:38:00.000-07:00

Up here at a wedding for Rachel's friend, Elizabeth. She was married yesterday at around 6ish PM in her In-Law's yard, underneath an off-white tent in front of 30 or so people. She looked fantastic in her white and red gown, and the groom, Nathan, looked quite nice himself, in the black/white/red three piece he had thrown on.

I've only been to three weddings in my life that I recall. I guess I played a gig for a reception once and I vaguely recall seeing something where an uncle of mine told me that "trumpet players make the best kissers" which my mother didn't approve of me hearing for some reason.

So, I remember my Mom's sister Louanne getting married, and my Dad's sister Jamie. But both of those celebrations occurred long ago and my memory is vague.

Today was an interesting experience for me. It was an Episcopalian service, and the Reverend/Minister/Priest guy was a really neat dude. Apparently, Elizabeth wants to go into the Seminary someday, so you can imagine how spiritual the wedding ceremony was.

I felt a little out of place there, for quite a few reasons, but I met some of Rachel's old friends and I think they're all really cool. I got to skip a couple days of work too. Overall I've had a great weekend so far. Looks like we'll get to repeat the whole process again next month for another friend, though, word on the street (read: Directly from the bride-to-be) has it that the next wedding I'll be at will be a little bigger. Closer to 150 people should be there.

I've learned a lot of new things about my psyche this weekend that I wouldn't have explored otherwise. It's been very eye-opening, yet on the other hand, I've thought of nearly as many questions that I can't answer right now. Perhaps that's the process of life at work. As soon as you answer two questions, three more pop up. It's how we grow and develop.

Camping

2009-05-23T06:03:00.001-07:00

This last week, Rachel and I went camping out at the nearby lake. For the most part, we really had a good time. We had hot dogs and s'mores and chips with queso and all that goodness, plus a great view from the shoreline out across the lake.

I got a tan. A real one. I totally stripped down to my speedo and sunbathed for a few minutes and for the first time in my life, I don't have a farmer's tan. 'Tis unusual for me to see the insides of my forearms and my shoulders being just as dark as the back of my neck.

Some other good news: I found an apartment. Looks like I'll be saving a bit over $100 a month in this new place, though it's a bit smaller and I don't get a yard anymore. I can live with it, I guess. The apartment is right downtown across from the courthouse and right in the heart of the business area. There are a few good restauraunts within two or three blocks. Plus, I'll be closer to work so I'll have a little more time to get ready before I have to leave. Overall, I'm satisfied and not too terribly dreading the move. I really hate moving, but it'll be over soon enough.

Finished reading "A Dirty Job" by Christopher Moore the other day while camping. I hereby declare it to be the second funniest book I've ever read, just behind "John Dies at the End" by David Wong. Between the two, there is a lot of entertainment to be had, and JDatE has just had the rerelease date...er... released.

http://www.johndiesattheend.com/updates/

September 29th, 2009
I can't wait. :D

Swirling clouds of ultimate chaos

2009-05-15T16:25:00.000-07:00

So I was just grocery shopping, and I looked up in the sky, and saw my first swirling cloud pattern. Like, I watched it rotate about 45 degrees before Rachel yelled at me to get in the car.

There was a tornado warning in effect near Wichita, but it has been lifted and now we're just in a severe thunderstorm warning.

We had a severe thunderstorm a little over a week ago while I was at work. It was less than pleasant because I was in charge of most of the facility alarms that night. They pretty much all went off simultaneously and we lost power and things got a little hectic for a bit. Looks like tonight will be much of the same, but I guess it can't get much worse than I had it last week, so I'm not worried.

Still looking for a place to live. It's hard to find a decent home in this area that isn't ridiculously expensive. Right now I'm paying 450 a month plus utilities which is just a bit much for a single income. When Curtis left I lost the joy of splitting bills.

The cheapest place I found was 300 a month, but the place was a crap hole and the roof leaked. I may end up living with Rachel soon, so I don't want to live in a place that isn't semi-respectable. Roof leaks and kitchen/washroom combos and bathrooms with windows in the shower just don't cut it for me.

So the other night I had a sleep attack while I was watching a digital clock with a second counter on it. I was pretty fascinated inbetween microsleeps to find out how long I slept. See, every time I woke up, I would look at the clock, then I would fall asleep and wake back up to look at the clock. Most of the time, I would only sleep for about one second at a time. I think the longest I slept was about 7 seconds, but it's hard to tell the exact moment I fell asleep and when to gauge the amount of seconds that went by. I know for certain that I dozed about 3 times in 15 seconds at one point. That was interesting, because I honestly thought more time had been passing, but each time I saw the clock, only 2 or 3 seconds had passed, then 2 or 3 more, and after the third nap, only a quarter minute had really gone by. Fun fun.

The good and bad

2009-05-04T03:26:00.000-07:00

Ubuntu 9.04 is out, and I am enjoying it muchly right now. There are cool desktop screenlets for weather and news, and I have a secondary desktop that monitors my motherboard and logs my network usage. It's very cool. Computer boots up in about 30 seconds as well, as opposed to several minutes with Vista. I'm impressed with the improvements that have been made in the last year.

But then there's the sleep issues and the money issues. I'm just about off the Ritalin, though it's pretty much the only thing that will keep me awake these days. I just woke up from a three hour nap I took while I was reading a book. Probably fell asleep between midnight and 1 AM, and then woke up at 3:18. I went, "Aw... fu--" and blinked. When I opened my eyes, it was 4:30 AM, which was the time I planned to go to bed for the night anyway. That's enormously frustrating, though I took it pretty well. I know I've been sleep deprived lately, so I saw it coming, but losing 4 hours unintentionally doesn't help much.

The state budget is under scrutiny right now. Apparently the state is ten million over budget in the Corrections department, so they are trying to figure out how to save the money. One proposal was a 5% pay cut for state employees, which was luckily shot down. However, the route that they will probably take is likely just as bad. They may end up closing down more facilities and removing inmate programs, leading to overcrowding and unrest, which could in turn make my job more dangerous. I don't really need that, though, it may keep me awake if that's the case.

But besides a little frustration, life is really good. The weather is getting unpredictable and crazy. There's lots of rain and we've already had some tornado activity. I love the excitement.

Also, I ran a mile in 9:37, then matched that record again a couple days later. I hope to beat it tomorrow when I run again.

Just beat the 10 minute mark.

2009-04-25T05:06:00.001-07:00

Ran a mile in 9:57.

Also read the book, "In the Miso Soup" by Ryu Murakami. Excellent book. Interesting story arc and tension building. Interesting all around. Also, balls-flatteningly terrifying.

Been running

2009-04-19T06:20:00.001-07:00

So, for the first 4 months working out at the Prison I was regularly weight lifting after work. Usually 2 or 3 times a week, various different workouts depending on what I was trying to achieve.

Well, the last month and a half or so I decided to start running regularly and lifting weights just once a week, if that. I've never had a good cardio thing going on, never been able to really run very far. In 8th grade I was in 2 PE classes and basketball after school and even with all that I barely got down to a seven and a half minute mile run.

When I first started running a few weeks ago, I was doing a mile in 13+ minutes according to the treadmill clock, which I swear runs fast, cause my wrist watch timed it at 10 minutes even. Today, however, I did a mile in 10:29 according to the treadmill clock, which translates closer to 8 minutes in the real world. I'll have to get a stopwatch or something so I can find out for sure. If 8 minutes is the case though, holy cow, I'm nearly in the best shape of my life.

Even if I can't start running 7 minute miles, I can take comfort in the fact that I'm probably the only person I work with that can run that far period.

and I had so much to say...

2009-04-18T03:45:00.001-07:00

Where to start? I've spent the last few days detoxing and going through withdrawals from the Ritalin. I think. Maybe I'm actually sick, but the mood swings and body aches seem to fit in with my medication schedule. See, two weeks ago, I was regularly taking two 20 mg tablets twice a day, four hours apart. Of course, 20 mg doesn't go through the system in four hours, so for a short period of time every day, I'd have quite a rush from the little overload.

The good thing about that, is that I would be in a great mood, wide awake, and doing a great job at work. The bad thing is that once my body stopped getting that high every day, it made me irritable and sick.

At my last appointment, I was given a month's supply of extended release Ritalin, which was 30 mg spaced out over an entire day. It worked for about 3 days before I started getting dangerously drowsy at work and then getting body aches. Over my weekend, I decided to just not take anything and then try to go up from nothing, instead of coming down from the high dose.

Well, I haven't made up my mind yet entirely on what to do about the meds. Can't reach the doctor 'til Monday, so I have to get through the weekend. Yesterday and today I just took 10 mg in the afternoon and left it at that, but I had tonight off so I don't know how it would have fared in the work environment.

Laurie's cancer has returned with a vengeance and she's undergoing much more serious treatment this time around. Surgery is planned for this summer and she's doing three chemo/radiation treatments a week. Gotta hand it to her though. She's still working full-time on top of all of that. At Walmart, no less. Her commitment never ceases to amaze me.

Friend of mine at work lost his job the other day. Wish I knew exactly what happened. Apparently they've been trying to fire him for years, always looking for a good reason. He misses lots of work, has lots of health problems, but in my opinion was quite capable of his job. Unfortunately, he has quite severe narcolepsy, fell asleep on the job a couple times, and was demoted. The last time we spoke, he said our boss surprised him by asking him how they could work together to improve the situation (when before it was usually something along the lines of "get out, you're fired" which was always taken back). That was probably about a month ago.

Probably could all have been prevented if they let him work day shift. My network of spies say he has enemies higher up.

Last of the news is nothing exciting to anyone but me, really. I installed Fedora 10 on a Powerbook G4. It wasn't perfect, but now I have everything working except for the sound (I had it, but when I rebooted, it stopped working again.).

I did it for Rachel, who really hated Mac OS, and a little for myself, to get more familiar with using Linux. She needs a laptop for school and hopefully I can get it to emulate some Windows-Only software for her so she doesn't have to buy an expensive new laptop.

Also, just finished "Little Brother" by Cory Doctorow. Great book. Recommended.

Oh, by the way...

2009-04-11T05:54:00.001-07:00

Got the definitive diagnosis a few days ago. I have a textbook case of narcolepsy. My brain goes into REM sleep faster than most people, and I end up not getting any restful sleep during the night. I wake up over 200 times per night. When I take naps, I fall asleep, on average, in 4 minutes, and immediately go into REM sleep, getting no rest, once again. According to the doctor and my latest sleep study, it's pretty "clear cut" as he said. No doubt about it.

So, the good news is, there is no more confusion, no more doubt, no more ambiguity. I know what I have, I know how to deal with it, and I don't have to worry if I am being honest with myself and others or not when it comes to my sleepiness (No, I'm not lazy, no I didn't stay up partying. I can't help it.).

The bad news is that current research seems to be a bit behind on treatment options. I'm sure there will be better ones in the not too distant future. Here's hoping.

Work work work

2009-04-11T05:16:00.000-07:00

Day in, day out, working all the time. Yet for the first time in my life, I'm actually fully enjoying my job. Well, considering that this is normally the time period where work starts to really drag.

Every job I've ever had, I've hated and wanted to quit. With the exception of my job at Union Telephone Company, which I left for more personal reasons than work-related ones. Burger King? Dreaded going in every day after school. Both times I worked there. Shari's? Only went because I worked with cool people. Terrible job though. Walmart? Don't even get me started (icy roads for 35 miles every day).

But working in a prison is actually fulfilling to me. Call me crazy, or blame the endorphins from the mile I just ran, but I'm actually fond of my work, and I get really good feedback, and some nights I actually look forward to doing my job. I know I won't work there forever, but this is looking like the kind of job where I will not leave from frustration, but more from a desire for something else in order to change things up.

My boss also told me "Thanks for doing a good job" over the radio, so everyone in the facility could hear it. I would have blushed if anyone were nearby.

Something weird I learned

2009-04-04T04:57:00.000-07:00

Did you know that Insulin, the hormone that helps us regulate our blood sugar, is known to cause cancer? I just found out today while reading a newsletter in my work inbox.

That just intrigues me because it pretty much proves that the human body is imperfect, despite many people believing that it is perfect and can fix anything if it knows how. I mean, in a sense, that may be true, but it goes to show that no amount of natural living will protect you from everything.

Anyway, that also means that sugar indirectly aids cancer growth, meaning that the fuel that makes your body move and think and jump and hit your wife is the very thing that will kill you someday. You cannot escape it. It's both fascinating and depressing to think about.

Being sick, suffering, dying, all part of the human experience, yet it makes us so miserable.

Curtis moved out yesterday, if he doesn't get filleted on the highway while he hitchhikes then it'll be a great experience for him. Before he left we had a long talk about spirituality and philosophy and the many reasons we think Mormonism is a joke after our years of being so devoted to it.

The concept of suffering came up in a roundabout way. If, in our universe, the popular Christian model is false, then what exactly is suffering? In the reverse, what exactly is pleasure? If the universe really is just a series of physical reactions that coincidentally created life and sentience, then how do you find meaning in anything?

I personally believe in a rather uncommon view of reincarnation. I don't follow any one religion, but I believe in a particular model of the universe that generally frees me from worry about many things. However, my instinct tells me that suffering is empirically "bad". When I think about it, I believe that suffering is good, because it gives us something relative to base "good" from.

So, if suffering is good and pleasure is bad, yet the opposite at the same time, then who do you end up admiring most in the following two scenarios:

1.) A tribal person is taken from his life of squatting in the dirt and eating tree bark to the clean lavish lifestyle of a Hollywood millionaire overnight. He learns languages and gets schooling and starts eating healthy and exercising and everything "good" you can think of. He is very happy now that he has everything, it would seem, and can't believe he lived for so long pooping in his front yard.

2.) The CEO of a huge corporation who has it all realizes that his blood pressure is reaching dangerous levels. If he doesn't change anything drastic, he could develop serious heart disease and not live much longer, and if he quits his job and gives everything up, he will most likely return to a normal healthy state. He decides not to risk the "if" and gives up everything, going so far as to take his millions and buy a plot of land in the woods and live off the land for the rest of his life. He finds he is very happy now that he has almost nothing, and can't believe he wasted so much time on trivial things like money, cars, and business.

So, which guy is more admirable? Who finds more worth in life? The guy who gained everything, or the guy who gave up everything?

Unfortunately, those scenarios aren't extensive enough. Maybe the CEO ends up with heart disease anyway and dies slowly on the mountain from a mild heart attack that leaves him too frail to stand and walk. Maybe the Tribesman finds he has no friends and gives up on life, throwing himself from a bridge, only to find that he's broken both legs and cannot crawl to anyone or thing that could help him. Who knows?

PART 2 THE RECKONING

2009-04-02T02:00:00.001-07:00

So, I woke up Thursday morning toward the end of my trip after a relatively nice nap. The weather outside was a bit windy and oddly cold for the time of year and geographic location, but nice regardless compared to 90% of the weather in Wyoming at any given time of the year.

I sat down to watch some morning news and beheld a foreboding broadcast. Twenty inches of snow forecasted in Denver. Nearly two feet in a 24 hour period. Two feet accumulating before and during the expected time I would be actually driving through Denver on Interstate Highway #70.

Curtis woke up a bit later and I greeted him with a semi-typical, "WE ARE GOING TO DIE TODAY" to which he replied, "The early morning death visions are a sign of your deteriorating condition and I think you forgot your meds." "Nay, brother," I exclaimed, "Look upon the news box and define what thine eyes might see!"

He watched the news for a bit and apologized for the comment regarding my deteriorating mental state. We discussed our options and decided that neither of us had ever been to New Mexico before. Since it was south in the warm part of the country, we could circumvent the snow and see new sights before getting home, and hey, we might save time too by avoiding road closures.

We packed up and left at 12:15 PM, then said goodbye to my mom at the gas station she manages while I filled up with fuel. She bought us drinks and reminded us to wear our seatbelts and then we were off.

We drove through Zion National Park.

Then down to I-40 whre we began our trip East.

Oh wait, no, we didn't. We got stuck in traffic just outside Winslow, Arizona. 14 miles to be exact, where traffic was at a standstill for seven straight miles due to some kind of accident ahead of us. It took two hours of turning off the engine, waiting around, starting it, then moving twenty feet just to repeat the process in order to travel seven miles. Seven. 7. Ciete (Spanish). Set (Questionably-spelled French). Seven.

And Winslow was jam packed with vehicles, so we didn't stop until Joseph City, where Curtis and I finally switched off. I slept for about two hours in the back seat while Curtis drove through an ice storm in Galup, New Mexico. I didn't realize this, otherwise, I wouldn't have slept.

I woke up just outside of Albuquerque where we stopped at the Indian Reservation. I took over driving again there where the weather was clear. On the west side of Albuquerque, the roads were clear and dry. On the east side, the roads had an inch of snow upon them. Thus began the next 8 STRAIGHT HOURS OF NON STOP SOLID ICE ON THE ROAD AND NOT A SINGLE MINUTE OF CLEAR SKY NOR A MOMENT OF PEACE FROM THE RAGING TORRENTS OF WIND THAT THREATENED TO PUSH ME STRAIGHT OFF THE SLICK PAVEMENT INTO A SNOW DRIFT BEYOND.

Let me try to recall what happened in some semblance of an order. Uh, I followed a Plow Truck for about 30 seconds before he himself crashed into the median where I promptly followed since I couldn't see the road (apparently, neither could he!). Luckily, I hit my brakes before I hit him, so I was able to continue my journey.

A few hours later, I was going up a hill where I saw two semi trucks stopped in both lanes ahead of me. I slowed down to gauge my decision regarding my next move, when the truck ahead of me tried to pull forward. Unfortunately, the road was so slick that he could not pull forward. In fact, he started sliding diagonally backwards and to the right when he spun his wheels. The truck behind me realized he couldn't stop if he wanted to avoid being stranded, so he went onto the relatively narrow shoulder to keep moving ahead and came roughly six inches from taking my side mirror clean off the driver's side door.

Since I was then stopped, I tried to move ahead and found that I could only spin my tires, so I spun them to a rate of about 40 mph in order to lazily slide to the left onto the shoulder to where I found traction and then continued my travel.

Later, in Toscanini? Tucanini? Something like that, New Mexico, the snow was then drifting onto the highway. It was about a foot high on the north side of the road. The highway was not closed. I paid particularly close attention to that fact as I drove onward, despite the fact that the wind was blowing so hard that I literally could not see my hood, let alone the street. Between gusts, I would accelerate to twenty miles per hour and go until the next gust, where I would stop and wait until it was safe again. (Pro tip: In harsh snow where city street lights reflect and scatter from snowflake to snowflake, it is actually easier to see the road if you turn your headlights off completely and rely on the faint yellow glow of the metropolis you are driving through, instead of having to squint through the heavy contrast caused by your headlights bouncing direct light into your eyes.)

8 hours after Albuquerque, we made it to Amarillo, Texas, where the snow was still blowing, drifting, and icing over the road. A few miles outside of Amarillo, we traded driving so I could hallucinate with my eyes closed instead of open and on the road (at one point I saw a giant robot smash a car ahead of me with his/her laser-drill fist). I slept for about an hour (according to Curtis, through another spontaneous ice storm.) and then woke up to the sweet smell of a McDonalds Big Mac. I took over driving again an hour north of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

The rest of the road was wet, but not icy. Total trip time coming home was 28 hours, almost on the dot. Trip time to Utah was 21 hours, again, almost on the dot. Gas mileage was worse coming home. First two tanks averaged between 37 and 39 mpg, and the second tank and a half averaged 30 to 33 mpg, as opposed to the solid 38-39 range going to Utah a few days before.

In conclusion, cars suck, the weather sucks, and I'm never driving that kind of idiotic retarded moronic drive in one straight shot in the unpredictable spring ever again in my life.

The Most Retarded Trip

2009-03-29T13:44:00.001-07:00

Surprisingly, I am alive and well. I'm so surprised that I am actually wondering how I made it to today without so much as a scratch upon my delicate supple man-skin.

Where do I start? I put in for a vacation several weeks ago at work so I could see my family in Utah. Unfortunately, my older brother couldn't make it, but I got to see my parents and grandparents at least. It's been awhile, so it was worth it all.

Anyway, Sunday morning on the 22nd of March at 8:19 AM, Curtis and I were done packing and hopped in the car to make our trip. The Mapquest estimate was around 19 hours and we figured we could do it in one go, trading off periodically. We got a late start because Curtis spent the entire night looking for the car keys that I accidentally kept in my pocket. I ended up needing Rachel to pick me up from work so I could get home to produce viable engine-starting keys.

So, we had a two-hour delay there, but that wasn't a big deal. We took off on the drive, the very bumpy, vibratory drive. You see, my front passenger side rim is bent beyond repair, and caused the car to vibrate at roughly the rate of rotation. I would find out later that this vibration was not actually caused entirely by the rim damage, but from the rear wheels with axle damage causing the wheels to wear unevenly as if I locked up the wheels going 100 mph and wearing only one particular section of each wheel. Since the wheels were slightly different sizes due to their differing amounts of wear, the vibration came and went at regular intervals and moved from side to side... The car ride was bumpy, is what I'm saying.

We got through Kansas and most of Colorado with no incident. Curtis and I talked and sang songs and had a good time. I took a nap and then we got some gas. We did great on mileage, averaging around 39 mpg the whole way.

Then we got to the first mountain. My car couldn't handle the incline, so I did it all in 3rd gear, going about 30 mph the whole way to the summit, then rolling down the 8% grade in 4th gear to limit my speed to 60 so I didn't fly off the cliffs or crash into the car riding their brake the entire way just in front of me.

Then a deer headbutted my driver's side window. See, one jumped out in front of me, to which I replied, "OH CRAP OH CRAPOHCRAPCRAPCRAP!" I managed to avoid his delicious posterior and swerved slightly to continue on, when his little buddy decided to literally headbutt my window. I looked to the left to just catch his snout smearing snot and saliva across the glass pane. In my rear-view mirror I saw him trot off into the brush, satisfied with his stunt. He probably high-fived his buddy just out of sight.

So I checked my wheels again next time I got gas, and saw that the rear tires were wearing pretty fast. It was too late to get new ones at a tire store or at walmart, so I just decided to push forward. Curtis drove again and I tried to sleep, but I couldn't cause it was dark and we were climbing yet another mountain with cliffs and I just got a little nervous. We ended up in Grand Junction later than expected where we took a quick pee break and then continued to march forward. Onward ever onward.

We passed Green River, Utah with two gallons of gas left. The nearest gas station, which I didn't realize at the time, was about 100 miles away. We climbed yet another fricken' mountain, then saw that we would not make it to the safety of a few gallons of petroleum distillate. But glory be, the wafaring angels sang and behold, a sign appeared!

"GAS FOOD NEXT EXIT"

We pull off, rejoicing at our luck, then immediately cursing our fate...

"GAS 21 MILES NORTH"

Somehow, I've been blessed with extreme luck. You see, I have a 10 gallon gas tank in my Corolla. When we rolled in to Ferren, Utah, I somehow managed to put 10.24 gallons of Dubya Juice into the money hole of fuel.

Hour long detour there, 3 hours behind our normal schedule... Then another mountain to climb, while snowing. I hit the second worst snow storm of my life then, and managed to drive the rest of the way to St. George unable to see. Joy.

I passed 8 or 10 cars all parked, waiting out the storm. I just kept going.

Then we were in St. George.

Tune in next time for part 2. THE RECKONING!

Theft

2009-03-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

My car was broken into a few days ago. I knew it was coming, so I'm not upset. I lost one 12" Subwoofer, one 600 watt Amplifier, and about 50 CDs that I've collected over the past two years.

Really, I'm not upset about it. My girlfriend was much more upset about it than I was cause the theft occurred in front of her house right on the street. I didn't lock the car, so it serves me right. I hope the perpetrator enjoys the high quality sound of the Pioneer system s/he took, or at least is able to pay the bills this month after selling it on the street. According to the pawn shop I went to, that's what they would most likely do. Wichita is a good place to sell something like that right on the street.

In other news, I'm loving Resident Evil 5. It's a blast to play co-op with a friend or certainly special friend of the female inclination.

Also, possibly going to be moving next month when Curtis moves back to Utah. I don't want to pay so much for utilities in this house if I can manage it.

Shady Business Practices and Watchmen

2009-03-10T05:46:00.000-07:00

So, quick little story. I stop by this pawn shop in town and look at guns a couple times. There is one in particular that catches my eye, and so I do some research, think it over, and decide that I'll invest. Rachel and I head down there from my house, excitement in tow, where I inspect the gun, and inform the sweet-faced gentleman behind the counter that I would like to make a purchase. The first thing that should have tipped me off was that he didn't card me for handling the weapon. A person under 21 isn't allowed to play with the pistolos in the store. I look a bit old for my age though, so I didn't really think much.

Anyway, I fill out the background check form and sign it. He asks nonchalantly, "Can I get your Driver's License real quick to wrap this up? We'll have it done and you'll be on your way in about five minutes." I whip out my holofoil Wyoming License and flick it out at him, and he takes a step back, looks at the ID and says, "Do you have a Kansas ID? I can't do the check without one."

I tell him that I've been using the Wyoming license since I moved here nearly a year ago, and he barely hesitates before turning to Rachel and asking her, "You have a license right?"

She turns to me with wide eyes, and then my eyes go wide in response to that. The gentleman at the counter tempts her with such pretty words, such as, "It's just for the background check. I can't sell the weapon without someone being checked. Don't worry, no records are kept anywhere but here. Don't worry, unless you have a felony on your record."

Rachel was cool with it, and she did the background check, and then had to pay for the gun (since it would look weird if any ATF guys were to come in and see that the background check was on Rachel but the gun was paid for by Chris).

That's pretty much it. Kansas doesn't register weapons to people, and Person-to-Person gun sales aren't really monitored (Since I technically bought the gun from Rachel), so we didn't do anything particularly illegal, but it's awfully shady for someone to knowingly sell a gun to a person for someone else.

Went to see Watchmen last night. Was entertaining. Enjoyed the film overall, but figured strangers to comic would be confused, uninterested. Artistic liberties necessary, but unobtrusive. Mostly wise. Missed Rorschach's attack on kid with cigarette. Good times.

Killing Spree

2009-03-06T05:11:00.001-08:00

I bought the following gun, right? It's the one on top.

And then Laurie and her son and I went out to kill Sam Walton.

Josh doesn't really aim the gun when he shoots. He kinda just points and empties the clip as fast as he can, which, I can't really blame him for. It's very fun.

The shot just under Sammy's right eyeball was from Laurie. That was some sweetly released pent-up rage right there.

Also, I made that nice little group in the top right corner of the target. It was my first time shooting the gun so I wanted to see how accurate it was. Not too bad, if I say so myself.

Walmart, Guns, and Pizza

2009-03-03T02:08:00.000-08:00

I'm eating a leftover breadstick from the Il Vicino pizza place in Wichita. Good food, good service, good jazz music and a nice ambient atmosphere. It's a little pricey for what you get, in terms of quantity, but the general quality of everything there is above par. I'll be going there again in the near future for foodage.

So, the basis for our trek into Wichita was for Rachel to get some ideas on Laptop prices. She needs one for school and I wanted to help her find a good deal. We only really stopped at Best Buy and didn't find much that was promising. There was one or two that would work just fine, but were already showing their age right on the shelf, and even though having the newest fastest computer on the market is usually a waste, having one that is already pathetic by tomorrow's standards is probably moving backwards a little bit. I can't say I really know what I'm talking about, but I'm just riffing on instinct at this point.

While we were there, we stopped by the gun store, where some creepy dude promptly said, "Now tha's wut I'm talkin' abowt" while eyeing Rachel hungrily. I just wanted to check out magazines for my new gun I kinda bought (in a rather shady deal uptown. Another story for another day.). The store there wanted to sell a 7 round magazine for 27 dollars. I said, "hmmm, I'll think about it." I lied though, because I found a three pack online (www.thesportsmansguide.com) for the same price, and the reviews look good and I've bought stuff from them before. I had no intention to think twice about paying that much for a single magazine. I did, however, buy an overpriced box of ammo to test out the gun with tomorrow.

Which brings me to the next point. My friend Laurie, who just hit her 5-year anniversary at Walmart, and I are going shooting tomorrow. I think we'll paint pictures of her employers on the targets before we obliterate them. She got a pathetic raise, and no congratulations for her hard work. Seems that they quickly forgot about how she beat cancer and was hit by a car all while undergoing the stresses of Multiple Sclerosis during her latest six months there. Stupid machine.

Luckily she'll have a car soon so she can try to get a job somewhere else. Unfortunately there, though, the economy still sucks and many places are having hiring freezes right now, and she can't afford a drop in pay rate.

As for my job, I'm currently on suspension for bringing my cell phone into the facility. Automatic 3-day suspension without pay. It's not too big of a deal, really, but it goes on my record, and prevents me from being promoted for one year. So the earliest I can go up in rank is March of 2010. I guess it's a good thing and a bad thing. If I tried to promote now, and got it, I would be really unprepared for the responsibility. Another year will help me understand the laws and rules better so that I would do a more thorough job. My supervisor told me the other night though that as soon as I get past my year of disciplinary probation, I'm a shoe-in for promotion. I said thank you for the compliment and he said, "I'm serious. You're a smart kid." It was really nice to hear.

Nope, I'm not distracted at all

2009-03-02T14:37:00.001-08:00

I started seeing this girl recently. That's why I don't write much these days, cause I'm NOT distracted at all.

Actually, I just got distracted.

Bye. For now.

What else is there to cover?

2009-02-14T06:56:00.000-08:00

Got my tax return today, so I just wrote out a fat check to my credit card company. I'm a little closer to being out of debt. Within a few months, I'll have my car paid off too. Things are starting to turn around for me financially, finally. Moving is too expensive, and trying to find a job these days that pays well, shoot, just trying to find a job these days is rough. I'm glad to finally be seeing some light on the horizon after my months of unemployment and my crappy restaurant job. Thems were some dim times.

I feel lucky though. I realize how lucky I am, and I certainly don't take my stability for granted. I never really have, always being low on funds growing up and even when I was out of the house.

First thing on my list of expenses is to see my family. I'm going next month no matter what, so Ma and Pa better get excited.

Everything is lame

2009-02-05T22:23:00.001-08:00

Having a rough couple of days. No need going into the details or the why's of what's up, but it's enough to say that I'm just having a bit of an episode. I'm pretty depressed, I don't want to do anything but sleep, and it's taking quite a bit of willpower to stay up. I have a ton of stuff to do, and no interest in any of it.

I think I'll take a bath and hope I come up with something else to do to avoid sleeping, because, if I sleep, I'll wake up in 4 or 5 or possibly 8 hours from now, then I'll stay up til noon doing nothing, and I'll have to sleep again as long as I can in order to function at work later. If I just stay up until noon, then I won't mess up my sleep schedule and I can have a semi-normal night at work (IE: falling asleep for one hour, as opposed to five).

I knew this drop in mood was coming, I saw it coming and patiently waited for it, and now that it's here I can't go much further down, so I guess it's back to feeling good soon.

It's Official

2009-01-30T01:51:00.000-08:00

Saw a specialist today, which netted me an official diagnosis. I have Narcolepsy.

Granted, it's not a serious case, and it shouldn't really interfere with my life unless it gets worse (which, I hear, does happen.).

This comes as a relief now because I was sick of not having a concrete answer regarding my sleepiness. I don't have to explain to everyone that "I show most of the major symptoms for narcolepsy but I haven't been properly diagnosed, so make sure I don't fall asleep." Now I can just say, "Ha! You can't fire me cause it's not my fault!"

So, doc said to keep taking my Provigil for a few weeks to see if it helps. Hopefully I won't succumb to tolerance. In the past week I've started falling asleep at work again while taking the drug, so the doctor recommended upping the dose until it works consistently. I have a feeling I'll end up taking like, 800 mg one night and still getting sleepy, which'll basically mean the drug is useless to me.

Not much else to say on the subject. I just have to learn to get over my frustrations when I can't remember waking up and shutting off my alarm and going back to bed. It's maddening waking up two or three hours after your intended wake time and finding your alarm to be shut off. (This just happened to me. I wanted to nap from 12 to 1, and I slept until 3:30).

My agenda for tonight (what's left of it) is to do my taxes and... I don't know what else. Take a hot bath maybe. My back is stiff. I need to recover my writing from an old hard drive from an old computer so I have more content to add to my new website.

Magic

2009-01-20T11:45:00.000-08:00

See that? That's called Modafinil, and it's magic. I was prescribed this yesterday morning for my sleeping troubles (er... lack-of-sleeping-troubles trouble?) by a PA who basically didn't know anything about sleep disorders (she wanted to give me Ritalin, so I threw a pamphlet at her with the word "Provigil" on it (brand name of Modafinil.).).

Anyway, you can read about Modafinil here. Pretty neat stuff, slightly reduces the body's need for sleep, helpful for shift-work sleep disorder, helpful for sleep apnea and narcolepsy, helpful for seasonal depression, and the list goes on. The best part is that it only kills 6 out of every 17 million users.

The worst part? No generic variety is available until 2012 and the brand-name is quite expensive... affordable, but expensive.

I like not falling asleep at work though. That's a big plus for me.

Untitled

2009-01-17T09:33:00.000-08:00

Just finished reading "Watchmen." It was surprisingly good. I remember first seeing the teaser trailer before seeing "The Dark Knight" this summer. I thought it took itself way too seriously. The whole tone of the trailer, the background music, the images on screen... Looked like it was filmed by a bunch of assholes.

However, the hype for this movie is pretty enormous, and the script was done in part by David Hayter, whom I have a slight man-crush on.

I ended up buying the graphic novel, and read it in three sittings. The book is incredible, really. It was a great reading experience, tugging at all of my emotions over the course of the story. At times I was angry and frustrated (particularly at Rorschach) and at other times, I was hopeful (Laurie and Nite Owl's relationship). A lot of unsuspecting things happened, and it was just really cool to read and see. My only complaint is that the last chapter was quite rushed. The course of events would have taken more panels and words to adequately describe anywhere else in the comic, yet it was rather condensed (Veidt's monologue at the end was cut considerably, as admitted by the authors.) and I would have appreciated more things to see.

Now that I got it out of the way though, I can concentrate more on my own writing. On that front, I've opened up a second blog that I may eventually buy (the domain name, I mean). The site is meant to showcase my writing, putting updates on the book, excerpts, older stories, etc. I figure this will be my personal thoughts blog, the other will be the business blog. When it's ready, I'll release it's glory upon my readership. Both of you.

However, I hit a small snag with the site. See, my old computer I had in college had a lot of my writing on it. Hundreds of haiku, a lot of poetry, and tons of ideas for new stories. I had the first chapter to a really cool post-apocalyptic dystopia story written out. I was quite impressed with it, but I didn't finish the second chapter because I didn't know enough about the Cold War to really flesh it out. At the time, I didn't do much for rough drafts, just outlining and the best final draft I could in the first go. I've since refined my technique by churning out more words and then sifting out the gold parts.

I've been writing a lot at work. Usually I have a few hours of downtime, inbetween security checks and such. I take lots of notes and write down passages of story as they come to me. It's really exciting for me to see this thing come together, because it's so much better than anything else I've written, and it's only a couple thousand words so far. I'm devoted to making this as thorough and detailed as possible, without being too hammed up and concise to enjoy (something I know my previous stories have suffered from.), so that's what the site is for. I'm going to release little bits of what I like, and then improve on it and release it and hopefully get feedback from people.

On a more personal front, it appears that I may have genuine Narcolepsy. I finally got my sleep study results, two months + after the fact. Paid twenty dollars just to have the doctor read them aloud to me. Waste of time and money really, but I did learn that my sleep test was normal, however the sleep study doctor dude said I exhibit symptoms of mild cataplexy, and when you take that into account of falling asleep at work, even while talking to people and filling out paperwork, it leans towards Narcolepsy and they're going to subject me to more tests probably in February. The 29th is my consultation with a specialist. Whoopie. I decided I can't risk my safety any longer and I scheduled another appointment for Monday to ask for a drug called Modafinil. It's used to treat excessive sleepiness and shift-work sleep disorder and seasonal depression disorder. Three things I kinda have right now. Normally I wouldn't ask doctor's for drugs, but the last thing I want is to be taken advantage of while I'm dosing off in a room of 100+ inmates (which happens regularly when I have to supervise the cafeteria... 4 out of 5 workdays a week.) or not being able to respond to an emergency because I'm nodding off and don't hear the radio. That's my justification, perhaps it's overexaggerated, but I'm sticking to it for now unless my conscience or something gets the better of me.

Let's see... Not much else to report. Been working out a few times a week, and I'm seeing noticeable results. I can bench more than I've ever been able to in my life, and I can kick higher and faster than ever before. My chest is bigger, but I haven't gained any weight. Must just be losing a little bit of the teeny layer of fat on my arms and stomach and replacing it with a little muscle. Not that I want to get really buff, mind you, I just want to be able to defend myself if I have to at work. I'm analyzing my workouts, reading up on workout methods and such, really refining what I do, but above all, I think I just need to eat more. If I didn't care about eating healthy, I could get by on less than 50 bucks a month in groceries, but now I pay probably over 100 for myself now. I'm never going to get out of debt that way though...

Eardley Song

2009-01-12T15:19:00.001-08:00

Go us!

Typical January Day

2009-01-08T03:59:00.000-08:00

Too cold to feel anything.

Curtis is all excited to film something now that we have the video camera set up with the computer. He's been trying to get me to think of ideas since then, and I just can't find it in me to do anything. I went to Wichita, just grumpy all day, snarling at Escalades and all manner of full sized truck, wishing my horn worked so I could honk at every idiot that pulls out right in front of me.

I could go on and on about the things that upset me right now, but doing that will only reinforce my mood. Or maybe it won't. Maybe it's just the lack of daylight this time of year and I am completely at the mercy of the glowy yellow circle in the sky.

Curtis and I turned the heater off in the house because our gas bill was 179 dollars last month (up from 30, in october). We got two electric radiators that will probably raise our electric bill to that height anyway.

On a lighter note, we watched Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark tonight. What a good old film. It's so light-hearted and corny and yet leaves you wanting more.

I guess I have a lot to cover

2009-01-03T17:07:00.000-08:00

Two holidays gone by and nothing to write about? No, that's not it. Just no desire to sit down and make my fingers wiggle. Been in a mild funk the past couple days. I tend to come out of it while I'm at work, but when I get home it's time for bed, so I have no period to just sit down and let my good mood affect my day.

So, to recap I guess: Christmas wasn't quite my usual fare. No tree, no caroling, no church. Just me, Curtis, Laurie, and her son Josh. And tacos. We ate tacos and nachos on Christmas day and watched Step Brothers and I almost choked on some green tea when I laughed at the movie. And then later that day we saw Seven Pounds which took me in the totally opposite direction emotionally.

Then a whole lot of nothing happened for the next few days until New Years. Watched the ball drop with Laurie and Josh, then stayed up late playing Metal Gear Online with Josh. It was pretty fun, and I haven't played video games for such an extended period of time in probably over a year now.

Then the next day I stayed up all night played Call of Duty with Curtis (We beat it.) so I felt like I wasted another day on video games. This made me feel a little blah as well. My weekend, completely gone to gaming. I guess I wouldn't have such an aversion to it if my old roomate wasn't currently wasting his life on World of Warcraft. Shoot, some of the people Curtis works with don't do anything but play WoW. They even have kids and still devote 6 to 8 hours a day on WoW.

I texted my ex girlfriend today, to tell her Happy New Year. Then I realized why I don't like to talk to her anymore. She only has one adjective to describe everything that she experiences. Shitty. That's all everything is. It's just Shitty and there is no other way to describe anything.

Lame. I'm gonna go hit on a Walmart cashier now.

A week passed by

2008-12-27T15:56:00.000-08:00

Seems the sleep study people lost my results. I'm just assuming that since I called them asking for my results and they went, "You seriously haven't gotten them yet?" and then still haven't called me back for a week.

Meanwhile, I'm still falling asleep at work and can't do anything to correct it that I'm aware of. From the couple people I've spoken to about it, I seem to exhibit a few symptoms of narcolepsy, a mild case for sure, but one that's affecting me nonetheless.

So yeah, bad night last night, up for 23 hours straight, falling asleep for most of it, started out in the upper 60s and ended in the lower 20s. A 40 degree drop in about 6 hours. You know, now that I think about it, it couldn't have been in the 20s. It wasn't cold enough, and it kept raining, not snowing. It was probably in the middle 30s.

Anyway, then I had trouble with some inmates not following orders, and so I wanted to dish out some relatively mild consequences, but my House Sergeant wasn't interested in it. I'm not sure if he did anything, but when he saw that I was getting frustrated at my standing, he told me to leave and go help some other officers outside the cell house. That wasn't really cool, and kinda exacerbated my frustration.

This is not to say that I was actually frustrated, just a bit annoyed. I was also not feeling well, being up so late and having so much caffeine in me that my heart rate was pumping at about 105 bpm, as opposed to the normal 60.

I hate to blame my inconsistencies and personal failures on something external like caffeine and lack of sleep. I really "should" have better self control, but I really "should" not anything. Should is merely hoping. I'll just not get as frustrated at my coworkers from now on.

I'm going to do some Tai Chi now (getting into it after watching a few videos. Makes me feel awesome.).

Also, if you want a good movie to watch that'll make you cry and give you long emotional nightmares, go see "Seven Pounds" with Will Smith and Rosario Dawson. It's fantastic.

Proclamation to the World #1

2008-12-21T15:05:00.000-08:00

I, Chris Jensen, hereby declare Ubuntu Linux 8.04 to be inherently superior to Microsoft Windows in... every way but one. And the one failure of Ubuntu is not Ubuntu's fault. It is the fault of every single one of us for not using it.

I find I must go into more depth. You see, I built a computer for my brother for Christmas. It's a sweet rig and didn't cost me a fraction of what it would have to buy it prebuilt. Was a great project and I want to do it more often.

So now that we have two computers and a playstation in the house, I wanted to network them all together, or at the very least, connect them all to the internet simultaneously. I ended up buying a Linksys Router. Horribly expensive for the performance, but that can't be helped (well, it could have, but I was in a bit of a rush to get things set up.)

Our internet has been nothing but trouble since I hooked it up. We are dropping packets and losing data transfer all over the place. You can't even browse the internet because so many times a website will wait for a server to respond, but the information was simply lost because of something stupid. It was incredibly frustrating, seeing download speeds up to 1 Mbps from a direct connection, to 30 kbps with a routered connection.

I did a speed test with the router in Vista. 5000 kpbs download speed (eh, not bad) 61 kbps upload. For anyone reading who is not familiar with the terminology and relativity in data transfer speeds, let me just say that 61 kbps upload is about as pathetic as your old dial-up modem. I'm not paying for cable internet to get dial-up speeds. That's just ridiculous.

So, in my frustration, I decided to just reboot the computer and give it a rest. I missed my dual boot prompt, and it automatically booted Ubuntu. I figured, eh, what the heck, why not use it for awhile, see if I can get the internet to improve through that mess of foreign programming.

NOPE. NO PROGRAMMING.

Ubuntu autoMAGICALLY configured everything. My internet works perfectly, the chat room I moderate has a steadier connection, and the only hiccups are due to momentary blackouts in the router (which is pretty standard unless I were to install a homebrew firmware onto the router, which I'm not sure is necessary).

All of this is to simply say, everyone should use Linux. The only reason it isn't as popular as Windows or Mac is because it lacks a lot of support. You can't play high-end games with it and there are a few minor issues with things like Flash Player and Java. The more people that use Linux, the more developers will say, "Hey, there is a market available to us that would make us more money if we simply did a little work to port our software over to them!"

And best of all, most versions of Linux are free. Most software for Linux is free. Thinking about buying Microsoft Office? Don't bother. Open Office has nearly all of the same features (and some that Office doesn't have) and is completely free.

Blah

2008-12-19T12:13:00.001-08:00

One of those days. I'm incredibly bored, don't want to do anything, but don't want to do nothing. I finished building my brother's computer. Now he has a recording studio taking shape in his bedroom. He has a synthesizer and a mixer board and a few microphones and now the computer where he can start recording and mixing. We still need a few things to make it all come together completely, but for now, this is working well.

I didn't do half of the things I wanted to this weekend. My sleep schedule got all messed up and I slept for 12 hours last night. I should have been in bed two hours ago so I'd get enough sleep before work but I've just been sitting here, eating a pomegranate and other various fruits, and now I'm digging into a tub of ice cream that I really don't like.

Night before last I saw Mannheim Steamroller live in concert. They really aren't a group to see live. They're great to have on in the background at a christmas party, or maybe while you are doing chores, and they're fun to hum along to, but live? Naw, they put me and Laurie asleep. I didn't ask Curtis what he thought though.

Nevertheless, they were quite good and they had some impressive light shows. The notes were all perfect and it was like listening to a recording. Absolutely flawless in technique, but some minor flaws in composition (why in the world anyone would think playing Feliz Navidad in half-time is beyond me. An 8-measure jingle should not be stretched out for 3 minutes.)

So, all said and done, I'm quite blah today. Now I just have to wait for Curtis to get out of the shower so I can get ready for bed.

Writing news and pictures

2008-12-15T10:58:00.000-08:00

I started brainstorming at work the other night, because the first book I wrote (finally came up with a title, two years after writing it. "City of Eden." if it's not already taken...) is really hard to understand if you aren't in my head. So I had to come up with something to make it readable (since the one guy I got to read it said he hated it. I give him credit for honesty.).

Well, then I wrote a quick little ditty about a cowboy with a magical revolver who fights King George. I realized, it would fit perfectly with the old book, and so I decided to make a two parter extravaganza to fill out this mythos that is the very bizarre setting of the book.

Here are some pictures of my notes.

I made a bubble web of character/gang interactions, then another page of slightly more detailed interactions, and a timeline of events between the two books. Spoilers in those pictures, by the way.

Also, today I got my hardcopy of my NaNoWriMo book. The first thing I did was find a ton of spelling errors. Go me.

You'll notice the blank space on the right page (below) where I couldn't think of a name of a sedative that would kill a baby. I might write one in for fun. Or maybe just put in the word, "RAINBOWS!"

Yum

2008-12-09T18:16:00.001-08:00

cranberries, raspberries, grapes, pomegranate, and some mixed nuts.

I have a problem

2008-12-08T05:59:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if this is a seasonal thing or something I've just grown into, but every so often, I drive my friends away. I did it last year with my girlfriend, right about this time of year, nitpicking, only seeing her faults, loathing the time we spent together. She said I changed, and I thought she was just being an idiot.

Well, it's started happening again, this time I definitely know something is up. I've started picking fights with my friend Laurie and pointing out faults and making issues out of things that are rather unimportant. My patience is not what it normally is and I find myself frustrated more often than usual.

I'm fairly certain this is a seasonal thing, combined with the fact that I don't see the sun anymore (working all night, sleeping all day) that's just getting to me. A few days ago I felt my first depressive episode since April. That's... that's a record for me. I've never been so great for so long. I mean, living in Wyoming was a drag because you only got 3 months of good outdoor time and sunlight. So that was about 3 months of feeling great. Now, it's like 10 months of feeling great and 2 feeling a little down. Which is loads better, but it still puts a strain on my relationships and coworkers.

For instance, tonight at work, a new girl was calling the wrong person on the radio, delivering standard messages about inmate movement. The thing was, she had been told before what the codenames are, and she said she could handle it, then she repeatedly calls out the wrong codename over the radio. This back and forth had absolutely nothing to do with me or my post tonight, yet I found myself getting frustrated at her all night.

Now, in my mind, my frustration is totally justified. This was her fourth night at that post, her fourth night making the same mistakes. She's only been working here for a week and a half. However, by my fourth night, I had the radio down, or at least, I asked and double checked my codenames before I used it. So, part of me says, "give her time" and part of me says, "why isn't she good enough?"

And I seriously do this for nearly everyone I meet. I pass judgments on people and size up my expectations of them, and it is totally unfair. I have no justification for this besides my own subjective reasoning, which is obviously askew since I only tend to be bitchy like this during the winter months.

So, Laurie, I'm very sorry. I know I have a problem. I have never worked on it before, so it'll be a rough time, but I'm going to try and keep my head on my shoulders this winter.

And to anyone else that incurs my wrath, just pretend it's all some really bad joke. Laugh it off and give me space.

Dance, Dance, Dance

2008-12-07T17:38:00.000-08:00

Haruki Murakami is perhaps my favorite author. I generally don't have favorites in authors, bands, directors, game companies, because someone always makes a turd at some point, and I just gravitate towards the good things I see. I guess, though, that that was an hold quirk of mine, and admittedly, I've moved away from it. AFI, Pink Floyd, and The Seatbelts are my favorite bands. Christopher Nolan and David Fincher are some of my favorite directors. I don't really have a favorite game company, though I would have said Square-Enix a few years ago (they seem to be producing turds lately).

Anyway, it comes back down to Murakami. He could write prose about vomit and diarrhea and I would be intrigued. In fact, he does write about vomit for at least a page in Dance Dance Dance.

The way I decided he's my favorite, is simple. He always leaves me wanting more. His books are weird as hell, the characters are more colorful than a field of flowers, and things are always coming out of left field when you least expect it, making your stomach churn with excitement.

Dance Dance Dance is probably my least favorite of his books (I dunno... I'm still digesting the plot and trying to figure out the ending), though to be fair, I've only read Kafka on the Shore and Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World. I swear I had Norwegan Wood or Wind-Up Bird Chronical laying around somewhere, but apparently not. Those are next on my list of reads.

Anyway, only problem with reading Murakami is that it's hard to find other people that read Murakami. Maybe it's just the places I live and the people I interact with. Still, can't discuss the finer points of the books with anybody, which makes the after-party real lame.

Woot?

2008-12-05T15:32:00.000-08:00

I just did 30 pushups. IN A ROW!

This summer I tried to do the 100 pushup challenge. I got to week 3 and got tired of it because I wasn't making any noticeable progress (my first day I did 21 pushups and was too exhausted to do anymore. My last day I did 22...). Of course, that was following their workout regimen which, I should have known wouldn't work for me. I've never made progress when other people have pushed me. I dunno what it is, seems like my body just needs a little more recover time than other people or something along those lines.

One thing that happened to me that convinced me of this:

My senior year in high school, I went out for the track team. I only went to one meet (music concerts conflicted too often with track meets) and I was last place in the 400 meter sprint. Now, first off, I never wanted to do the 400, and I mildly suspect I was put there by the coach as humilation because I sprinted the 100 and 200 better than his son, the supposed "star athlete." It's most likely not the case, but it makes me feel better.

Anyway, after 2 months of track practice, I couldn't run a full mile to save my life, and I wasn't improving my times at all.

Fast forward one year. Summer time, after my freshman year of college. I got so bored at home without anythign to do or any friends, so I decided to start running every day. Within a month I was running a full mile. My training regimen that I made up from day to day was pretty much "okay, today I'm going to run one block, then I'll see how I feel." and then I'd keep running if I felt okay, and I'd stop if I felt too worn out. Lo and behold, I was improving at a remarkable rate.

I have a few little examples of things like this that just lead me to believe that I will improve faster and safer if I do what feels right rather than what "experts" believe will get me the best results.

Now if only I had the ethic to exercise more than once or twice a week. Specifically, if I had the ethic to do cardio more than once a week (I weightlift several times a week at work).

Getting back into things

2008-12-02T16:19:00.000-08:00

So, while I was writing the book, I would go to work every night and as soon as I got bored, I would go, "What should happen next in my story?"

Now that I don't have a particular story to write, I just find myself going... hmmmm... well now I'm bored. and then I promptly fall asleep (which may or may not be due to the narcolepsy I might or might not be privy to.).

Because of this, I've gone back to contemplating Taoism and my role in the universe and how being a correctional officer fits into all of that.

To sum up, there is Yin and Yang. Yin is "negative" and Yang is "positive." They are largely relative and depend upon circumstances to understand in most cases. Now, the Yin Yang symbol is a circle, with the half white half black interior and litlte bits of white and black, you know what it looks like.

Now, the circle is special and misunderstood in Western culture. The traditional Chinese belief is that there are no opposites, just differing manifestations of a concept. For instance, hot and cold are not opposites, they are simply both a form of temperature. Big and small are not opposites, but forms of size.

So, with simple material examples, it's pretty clear cut. But what about concepts? Where do Justice and Crime lie? Where do Punishment and Righteousness lie? Where do Restriction and Freedom lie?

Now, part of my job as an officer is to restrict the activity of inmates. On my end, I am enforcing Justice. A Yang attribute. On the inmate's end, he is experiencing restriction. A Yin attribute. Since the Yin and Yang are present, there is harmony as the opposites complement eachother.

However, it is in our natural state to strive for our desires. Desires can be good or bad, yin or yang, depending I guess on the nature of the desire, and the means you use to achieve the end.

So what does it mean when an inmate strives for freedom? Suddenly, I am no longer enforcing Justice, but I'm imposing restriction, and he is striving for freedom, and then we've flipped sides. But wait, what if I'm still enforcing justice, a yang quality, and he is striving for freedom? Then we have to yang's and no yin! That creates conflict! Of the most universal proportions!

Now, another thing that throws a whole wrench into the equation: The I Ching states that the gua "Meng" is about education. Alfred Huang says on the matter, "...education, for example, should be used to lead the ignorant to the right path. Punishment should not be employed. A norm of proper behavior should be set up. It is important to be maganimous [sic] to docile minority tribes and to educate them in the way to establish harmonious families and help their descendants sustain their families."

So in one sense, simply administering punishment to people is not "steadfast and upright" as Huang would say. It is not the correct way.

So... what then? What solution is there for me to realistically strive for? What can I do as a person to improve the live's of those that I interact with, and at the same time bring harmony to myself?

There are many officers that I work with that deliberately harden themselves, cut off their empathic response to those around them simply because they have committed a crime. They are completely... lifeless and downright despicable sometimes. It's like, they can't handle the possibility of actually having concern for other people, so they become total assholes.

Now, for me, getting too involved hasn't been a problem, and I doubt it will be. I simply treat the people like human beings and give them what they are allowed to have and no more. However, this leads to me being complacent, as I found last night as a person was half-way attacked not two feet away from me last night. She wasn't hurt, but I froze up, completely locked out of what I should do and how I should react. Honestly, I was in the perfect position to take him down and cuff him (and it was perfectly justified.), but I didn't even think about it until after he took off running.

That was also the first time... I think ever that I've had such an adrenaline rush.

So, to review: Yin Yang and adrenaline. Connected?

The last push

2008-11-28T10:31:00.000-08:00

	5915

128

lab.drwicked.com

HAHA! I did it!

I made one last push today, a two hour write-a-thon with only a ten minute break halfway through. I've just finished writing the worst novel in the history of man, but damn does it feel good. I didn't even feel this accomplished when I finished my first book. Whew...

So, the jist of the story:
Tom, just a regular schmoe, finds himself hiding in a shelter after a huge science experiment goes awry causing a massive solar flare to heat up Earth's atmosphere. He meets a few survivors on the way, and hilarity ensues.
I am no science fiction writer, so it is terrible from that respect, and the main character is not particularly likeable, so it's terrible that way too. Also, there are extensive monologues about cannibalism, both from the pro cannibalistic viewpoint and the anti cannibalistic. There is also a load of sex so I can't ever let my mom read it. It's really awful, but I wrote it and I'm happy with the ending at least.

Well I'm pooped. I think I'll go eat now.

I'm still kickin'

2008-11-23T08:27:00.001-08:00

	2044

47

lab.drwicked.com

Once again, nothing to say

2008-11-16T14:52:00.000-08:00

My friend Laurie keeps pestering me to update my blog, which I hate doing right now for several reasons.

First and foremost, I'm behind on NaNoWriMo. I'm catching up, but I'm still 5000 words short of where I should be today, and I won't get much written because I spend a lot of time moderating the chatroom and chatting with friends that have no other line of communication with me. I wish I could get away from that sometimes, because I realize how much time I spend writing all day that doesn't go towards my word count. I wouldn't trade my time with friends for anything, so I have to manage my time better, and spending time on this has taken a back seat for the month.

Second, I'm busy at work, and most of the things I would write about are confidential. I mean, they give me some inspiration, especially for my book, so it's good in that way, but to write it in a non-fiction way is leaning toward the dangerous and lawsuit-filled life of stress.

Third, although things are going great right now, besides the potential for narcolepsy and slight stress, I don't have much in the way of really positive things to write about. You know I haven't a vacation to talk about or a new car or anything, and I refuse to let this blog degenerate into emo bullshit just cause I'm looking to reinforce how hard life is onto my psyche. It's unhealthy and unnecessary, so I'd rather work through my problems and write about positive and interesting things.

So, when December 1st rolls around or whenever something interesting comes up, expect updates to resume normally. ^_^

Not much to update

2008-11-09T05:24:00.000-08:00

You see, NaNoWriMo is taking all of my time from the blog. When I'm writing, it's just for that, and so far it has been pretty rough to get words to come out. As you can see, I'm failing most of my days worth of words, and I'm only halfway where I should be so far.

Anyway, everything is going well. Not much to report anyway. My NaNo story is about the world after a huge solar flare heats up the earth's atmosphere in a matter of days to unbearable levels. Only a few survive if they were lucky enough to get into a shelter. After a few months the temperatures start to die down to livable levels, and this takes place as the few remaining humans try to survive. The main character is supposed to be rather unlikeable, and is turning out to be me with all of my bad traits magnified. It's interesting to develop.

Cancer

2008-11-03T15:40:00.000-08:00

My best friend's cancer is in remission. No more chemo is expected, nor surgery. This is an awesome day.

Thoughts

2008-10-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

I was driving home from the house of my friend Laurie tonight. It's about 35 miles I guess from my driveway to hers. Glancing out my driver's side window, I caught a glimpse of the Orion's Belt constellation. Every time I see it I seem to think it should be smaller. I swear when I was a kid, the constellation was about half the size as it is now. Perhaps it's just my imagination, but I'm always surprised at how vast it appears and how brightly the stars shine.

So, while I'm looking out, thinking of the vastness of the universe, a truck comes in my direction in the opposite lane, so I dim my high-beams and wonder, "What's that guy's story?"

What is any guy's story, really?

I woke up this morning about 7:45 AM. I had crashed at Laurie's house since I was still a bit sick from the flu and she had heating blankets and ibuprofin. I woke up this morning almost 100% better, and for some reason, quite emotional. I went to the doctor, got my new graphics card for the computer (Can't use it cause my power supply will burn out within seconds if I plug it in) and went back to Laurie's to drop her off.

On the way, I was explaining the basic plot of the musical, "Wicked" based off the novel by Gregory Maguire. While listening to the music, I don't know what exactly was happening, maybe hormones or some other brain chemicals were going wild, but I was on the brink of tears while listening to the first few tracks of the Broadway recording. Now, I always get the chills on the first track, "No One Mourns the Wicked". But this was ridiculous. (I do feel I relate to it in a way, for a long time being a non-Mormon in a heavily dominant Mormon town, I felt "wicked")

I also watched Obama's 30 minute... thing tonight. I dunno what to call it. It was a campaign ad, but it was mostly about American people that he intends to help as President. Whatever it was, it nearly put me in tears. This time, tears of joy, which I've only had like, twice in my life (both forced, to an extent, by the way) were right on the brink of falling out of my eyeballs.

I swear this all ties together in some way.

Another thing I've been doing recently in my spare time is studying the I-Ching. I had never heard of it actually until I read a book compiled from notes written by the late Bruce Lee called, Artist of Life. Apparently Lee had studied and contemplated it in his life, and since I'm a raging fanboy and want to do everything Bruce did, I got myself a copy. I got myself the supposed difinitive ultra awesome new translation by a guy who was imprisoned and tortured in China years ago and now teaches Tai Chi in California. (He has a pretty impressive life history actually, and writes a very... full book. There is so much information on each page that it would take years to understand even half of it, but it's not so dense that you can't get a little tidbit of great philosophy every time you sit and read it.)

In this book, the process of the universe, and in a way, a look at the Tao is explained. The cycle of the world is based upon 64 guas that each describe a moment or process in life that moves on to the next. The first two gua as "Taoist Master Alfred Huang" lists them are "Heaven" and "Earth", more commonly known as Yang and Yin. Positive and negative. To have a working knowledge of positive and negative, heaven and earth, you can effectively deflect anything undesireable in your life, neutralizing conflict and bringing peace to others, as well as your own mind.

Stay with me here, we have a few topics to remember. 1.) The universe is big, 2.) I'm interested in people, 3.) I'm hyper-emotional (Hyper-positive), 4.) My thoughts, of late, have been of peace and harmony.

Lastly, my younger brother and I were discussing a few nights ago about doing something big in life. This is a hard thing to define, because some people make amazing accomplishments within their mind, that no one can see, and no one will ever celebrate them because it is not visible. On the other hand, people that build big things and produce amazing tangible works in their lifetimes are remembered forever, even if it took little effort in the grand scheme of things.

So, in the realm of possibility, what could I possibly do to positively make a big impact on the world, while remaining within the balance of Yin and Yang? How can I help humans? Is it even my place to help others? What am I robbing people of by nosing my way into their lives?

My grandpa often offers to buy me things, take me out to dinner, make my life comfortable in a material sense whenever I am visiting him. He does this for his family because, in his mind, he will reap benefits and blessings here and in heaven for doing such good deeds. There is a minor flaw in that mindset, I believe, but it's a respectable outlook on life. If we refuse his offer, he usually gives us a spiel about how it "robs him of his blessings" because we are preventing him from doing a good deed.

Now, normally I don't buy into that "robbing of blessings" outlook. But I often use that tactic when I'm trying to help someone that doesn't want to be helped.

You know what, I'm incredibly tired right now and have completely lost the focus of this entry in the past two paragraphs.

Let me just get it out there while I can: I want to overthrow a Columbian drug cartel and start making millions shipping blow all over the world, buying an island nation, and beginning my ascent into world domination. That's it.

At the doctor today: She said she wanted me to get lab work done to make sure I didn't have diabetes or some kind of chronic health problem that was causing me to sleep so much (I have hypersombulism, which may be due to narcolepsy or sleep apnea and a lack of oxygen) and I'm also going to get a sleep study done sometime in the next week or two. I may also see a specialist and get some drugs if a proper diagnosis can't be found soon.

I still need to talk to a doctor about my hearing. I have a slight suspicion that my social problems are, in some way, due to hearing loss and the inability to follow conversation very well. Maybe it's just a vain hope that I'm unpopular due to some 3rd party, rather than having to blame myself, or maybe it's something that could actually, if understood and taken care of, help me develop more friendships.

The best part about the flu

2008-10-28T17:29:00.000-07:00

Is not having it. Ugh, this is seriously unpleasant. I hate being sick with a passion, and it used to be so rare for me. Now I seem to get sick a couple times a year instead of just once. This is, of course, just gauging by the last two. About 10 months ago I passed out for the first time. Interesting experience, since I've never lost consciousness before without being in a bed.

Funny story actually. I was in Evanston, Wyoming one night, and I bought chinese food for me and my girlfriend at the time. I drove back to Mountain View, and we ate. And I really chowed down. I drank like, 2 cups of egg drop soup, and then downed some sweet and sour chicken. I really overate. So after we ate, I went back home to Lyman, about 5 miles away and started playing Super Stardust HD for the PS3. I was having a gay ol' time blowing up asteroids, when suddenly, I was feeling motion sick. Now, that's not too unusual, I figured I'd finish the level I was on and go lie down. I also had to pee though, so I paused the game and went to the bathroom. I unzipped, whipped it out, peed, and then got lightheaded, which again, not too unusual since I literally jumped off the couch and sprinted to the bathroom (It was a particularly intense game, gimme a break.). I finished peeing, and I kept getting more and more lightheaded. The last thing I remember was falling forward, putting my hands down on the back of the toilet tank dealy and saying, "oh craaa---"

I woke up on the other side of the bathroom, facing the toilet, wang hanging out of my pants, pointing at me. I jolted to alertness, and said aloud, "Did I just faint? whoaaAAABLAAARRGGGHHHH!!!" and proceeded to violently vomit up all of the chinese I ate and 15 ounces of Naked brand Red Machine.

And I do mean violently. It was the most projectile of all vomits I've hurled from my innards. There was just so much pressure from behind throwing it out that it was almost satisfying. Like, I'm sure someone would be impressed by the distance I could have achieved. Maybe a bulimic.

Anyway, with this nasty flu, I've thrown up twice, pure bile, pure rage, pure "brother hiding in the corner of the house plugging his ears repeating 'This isn't really happening' over and over like a mantra."

My neck and head hurt so much right now I think I ought to lie down again.

Momentary Visions

2008-10-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

I've begun to write a collection of poetry based on momentary concepts that I think of. You know how sometimes you'll be thinking about a particularly good memory, maybe of going on a hike or a picnic? I have lots of little snippets of good moments that I think I do more justice describing with only a single verse, rather than using my usual tedious prose.

Here's the first three.

Wheat grass fields

golden in the sun,

the wind blows gently

the heat warms my face.

Outside our magnificent sailing ship

the water splashes, crashes, breaks apart

a gentle mist touches our skin

it cools and refreshes as we start our journey anew.

So green and lush

the forest surrounds me

dark and ominous

a gentle breeze sweeps through.

Quote for the Day 2

2008-10-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

"If I don't get my shower, I'mma turn into R. Kelly and piss all over you!!"

My friend Laurie went to the hospital last night for pancreatitis. I'm not sure if it's related to her cancer treatments or what. Probably is since her immune system has been significantly suppressed with chemo and radiation treatments. I feel so helpless watching her get sick and go to the hospital so much. Perhaps this is one of those hard life lessons I should be learning or something. Maybe it's one of those humiliating experiences that my hard head won't let me see yet or some equally esoteric bullshit.

I don't know what else to say. I've been staring at my screen for the better part of an hour with no idea of where to go with this. My cup of water is empty, and my legs are too tired to get up and take me to the pitcher. I'm discussing the nature of God and Man and Altruism in a chatroom I frequent (perhaps too much.).

I have to be in bed in two hours. Less if I can, though I always have an excuse to stay up and satiate my addiction to the internet.

More about my TV, cause I have nothing better to talk about

2008-10-15T05:44:00.000-07:00

That's our basic setup right now while we wait for money to do things like buy furniture and such. The speakers are hanging rather loosely so we need some way to make them stay firm in place. Also, I plan to cover that entire wall with a curtain to make it both more theatrical, and more windowless.
This is the original price for the TV. Curtis and I guess it was marked to 900 because it was a display TV. Then, when the bulb went out, they took it to 100. So I paid 100 for the TV and 129 for the bulb. I just can't get over what a deal this was.

So anyway, it's been raining for a week solid. Record setting year for rainfall in Wichita, which is 30 miles away. It's awfully cold at work since I have to walk out in the open a lot and my jacket soaks up rain like a sponge. I'm not looking forward to winter, but I know it won't be nearly as bad as winter in Wyoming, so I won't fret too much.